"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe
Lately, I've been feeling a little foggy, like I haven't really been able to think clearly. I mean, when life gets really fast-paced, as it often does at this time of year, it gets really noisy too. It's like dancing through life with the radio on - it's fun at first, but sometimes you just need quiet, to hear your own heartbeat, your own thoughts. Then, I was in an interview the other day, and the woman asked me, when talking about my writing and such, "Why is it that you want to do this, why is it so important to you?" Pause. Wait, what? I couldn't even remember at the moment. It was definitely time to clear my head.
So I decided that, this weekend, I would find one hour of time just for me, hoping to find some clarity and inspiration. I wanted to get away from everything, so I started walking. Away from my house, away from my school, past the museum I used to volunteer at and my fave restaurant. I kept walking, thinking I needed to find a quiet place, away from all of these familiar ones. But I soon realized that if I went further, I would reach my mom's office, the movie theatre I've been to a million times, and the building where we had our school dance. It was like a quiet place, away from all the pieces of my life, didn't even exist.
But you really can't just "get away" from your life completely. It's all a part of you - past memories, people, present conflicts, all of it. I mean, I could jump on a plane and fly to Fiji, but I don't think that would really give me any more answers than I have here. What I think is that you have to learn to tap into your personal silence, that comes with having the strength of knowing where you stand well enough to be able to take in the noisiness of life, and then tune it out for a moment to know what your "answers" are. Maybe that's what they mean by intuition.
Now I'm not saying that I have found this place exactly, this intuition or clarity. I was really only outside an hour. But I am pretty sure it exists. And the whole point of this long story is that, when you are faced with big decisions, frustrations, and confusion, try to turn down the noise of your life for a moment so you can hear that voice. You know what's right, and you have that personal strength, FG. You just have to learn to tap into it. Once you do, the noise of your life will start to sound a lot more like sweet music.
