"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe
So, TheFabGal.com is officially made over! The old blog will still be accessible here on Blogger, but make sure you check out the new site (same location) - www.thefabgal.com. Can't wait for you to see it!
I have a problem. Actually, it's not me - it's my friends. They complain all the time about how fat they are. The thing is, they're so not! Not at all. And they barely eat anything but salads at lunch and only pick at the snacks now when we have sleepovers. I want to help them see that they're not fat but I don't know how. What should I do?
Hey chica,
It sounds like your friends aren't feeling confident about their bodies right now. I imagine it can be sad or frustrating to see them struggle and feel like you don't know what to do. But first things first: remember that your buds are lucky to have a Fab friend like you looking out for them.
One way you can help is through leading by example. Eat balanced meals and snacks, be confident in yourself, and don't make negative comments about your body. Not only might it inspire them to make positive changes, but it will help you stay strong.
If the body-bashing comes up at lunch, don't join in. It can be tempting to say something like, "No way, you are sooo not fat!" It's fine if you do that, but sometimes that approach just drags the convo on. Instead, wait it out, and then bring up something else you guys like to talk about, whether it's movies, sports, or crushes. Lunchtime is short - spend it having fun, not talking "fat"!
The best time to bring up this weight-y issue is at a sleepover, when you guys can have a heart-to-heart about it. Whatever you say, make it about you. For example, you could say, "I get sad when I hear you guys talking about how fat you think you are. I love you all so much and I think you're beautiful. I hate to see you feel bad about yourselves." What's great about his way of bringing it up is it allows you to say how you feel and gives them the chance to speak up about an issue that's probably been bothering them for a while. Best of all, it gives you all the chance to be open and supportive with each other - exactly what friends are for.
Good luck! If you need more help, I'm always hear for you.
xoxo
The Fab Gal
Got a sitch you'd like help with? Send me your Q by e-mail at fabgalsite@gmail.com or post it in the comments (you can keep it anonymous). I'd love to help!
Last night, as I was driving home and singing as loud as possible to Taylor Swift, I decided something: music is an amazing friend. It always knows just what to say. When I need a pick-me-up, I have dozens of songs on my iPod that do the trick. And when I just want to reminisce or cry... Well, there are songs for that, too.
That's why this week is all about music. And, since TheFabGal.com is getting a makeover, I thought we should pick out a song, or FG Anthem, to go with it. Check out the possibilities below and let me know what you think!
"Firework" by Katy Perry
While most (okay, all) of us don't shoot fireworks out of our bodies, we all have something within us that makes us shine if we open up.
"With You" by Jessica Simpson
This one has been around a while - almost ten years if you can believe it! What I love is not only the sweet lyrics, but that Jessica is not afraid to make fun of herself (That "plata-ma-pus" shirt? I want one!).
"Moment 4 Life" by Nicki Minaj & Drake
Writing and hanging out with my friends makes me "feel so alive." Rapping and playing Cinderella with Drake does it for Nicki. What does it for you?
"Hit The Lights" by Selena Gomez & The Scene
I love this video because it reminds me of my friends and I, having adventures by day and dancing crazy by night. Also, it makes me want to go out and face the fears that hold me back.
Those are some of my picks. But what do you think should be the FG Anthem? Do you like one of these, or is there another one I missed? Share your votes or suggestions in the comments below, and I'll feature our pick on the new site!
xoxo
The Fab Gal
P.S. Don't forget that you can chat with me on Twitter or by e-mail at fabgalsite@gmail.com.
Oh, V-Day. It’s funny how a day all about sugar can inspire so much bitterness. I’ve heard people joke that they only recognize “Singles’ Awareness Day” or “Sad and Alone Day.” Of course they’re just kidding – but then you don’t hear anyone teasing Thanksgiving! There are also people who seem to really hate the holiday. They say it’s too commercialized, puts too much pressure on people in relationships, or that we should celebrate love every day, not 1 in 365.
I’ve never been one of those people. I couldn’t possibly hate a day reserved for all of my favorite things: glitter, pink, roses, chocolate, and heart-shaped anything. And I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with making a day to celebrate love – in all its forms – a little louder than usual.
At least that’s how I usually feel. But this year… truthfully, I’ve been feeling like Sad-and-Alone, party of one.
I can remember being a little girl in Barbie PJs, dreaming about the day Prince Charming would come (I pictured him as B, the 5-year-old Romeo in my kindergarten class). Then, a few years later, I couldn’t wait to be old enough to have a BF and go to prom (as close as it gets to Cinderella dreams, right?).
That was all cute enough. But now… the feeling doesn't seem so adorable. I hate to even admit it, because it always seems like strong, confident girls aren’t supposed to care if they’re single. But I do.
Anyways, I imagined I could spend V-Day night curled up in bed, drowning my singleness in truffles, tears, and chick flicks. But the reality is, solo or no, I’m really, really lucky. I have so many Fab Guys in my life – my dad, my brother, my BGFs – who care for me, whom I have fun with, and most importantly, who let me be me. Ultimately, those are the qualities I want in a boyfriend. Someday. For now… I’ll just enjoy my time as one of the guys.
But that’s just my story. Wherever V-Day brings you, my chocolate-covered wish is that every day you get to do what you love, be who you love… and celebrate with the ones you love.
I have been icky-sicky this week, but one thing that has been keeping me going is my excitement over the new changes underway for TheFabGal.com.
The site is getting a total makeover. In addition to a new look, the site will have a totally new format - more like a website or webzine. The blog you love will still be there, but there will be more sections - like for FG-approved books, videos, and more, and profiles of famous FGs. TheFabGal.com will have new content too, including an "Ask FG" section where you can submit your questions for advice.
As you can see, I am sooo excited! But really, this site is all for Y-O-U. So what I want to know is, what would you like to see on the site? Anything new, or anything from the blog you'd like to see more (or less) often? What keeps you going back to the websites you love.
Leave a comment to let me know, because I am all about making TheFabGal.com the best place I can for you and me.
There are certain characters that show up again and again in the movies and on TV. The mean-but-popular cheerleader. The nerdy-sweet sidekick. Some of them are totally fake and just for entertainment (In fact, most cheerleaders are actually quite… cheerful).
But then sometimes…. Well, art imitates life. You know that girl who’s so obviously with the wrong guy, but she keeps going back to him again and again? The classic off-and-on relationship – like Ross and Rachel, except with a bad boy. Well to be honest, I always thought that girl was kind of dumb. Or crazy. I mean really, do you think anything is going to happen differently this time? No. How many times do you have to hit your head against the wall… to see it always going to hurt you?
But there’s nothing like life lessons to teach you not to judge. Because I have been That Girl.
I don’t need to get into the details of it. Boy likes girl. Girl gives him a chance. Boy decides he’s done, and girl gets her heart broken. Then the cycle repeats.
I don’t know. I just liked him so much, you know? It seemed worth the risk. But really I didn’t think about the risk at all. Love (or even just the possibility of it) makes you remember hope and forget logic. With the right person it’s lovely, but with the wrong one, it can be toxic.
But what I want you to know is, if a relationship is not working out like you imagined, and you’re just getting hurt, don’t settle. I know, I know… it’s not that easy. Boy, do I ever know. Because it doesn’t feel like settling. And at first, when you’re letting go of that back-and-forth fella, it’s going to hurt you. Way more than it hurts him. But you have to let all of it go – the memories, the feelings, and that piece of you that’s always with him. You’ll never be able to find the right person, and let them in, if you’re saving a seat for the wrong person. Eventually, you have to kiss Mr. Wrong goodbye and let the credits roll. I finally decided to do that.
Of course, if this was a movie, Mr. Right would have shown up 5 minutes and a sad song after I made the right decision. And we would kiss on my doorstep, preferably in the pouring rain. But in real life, happy endings aren’t so immediate. I still believe I made the right decision though.
Because I’ve been That Girl. And I’m so done. That chapter is closed, the scene is cut. Moving on. I think I’ll go back to being the hopeless romantic, Cinderella-waiting-for-Prince-Charming I’ve always been.
I believe there’s someone wonderful out there for me and for you.
And besides, I just can’t resist a good glass slipper.
This weekend I was walking through the kitchen and caught the end of a story on CBS Sunday Morning. I instantly knew I wanted to share it with you. The feature was about Angela Zhang, a 17-year-old from California who wrote a research report describing her original recipe. And what does it make? A potential cure for cancer! It will take years to know if it works for humans, but the pros say it's promising... so much so that Angela won the Siemens Competition in Math, Science & Technology.
And what's one thing she used her $100,000 prize for? Shoes... including an absolutely adorbs pair of Steve Madden embellished purple flats. A girl after my own heart. Check out the full story here:
Amazing, right? It's so inspiring to see FGs following their passion and making a difference in the world. Way to go, Angela!
xoxo
The Fab Gal
PS - Do you know a Fab Gal with an impressive story? Leave a comment to let me know - her story could be featured here!
Whether you're a single lady or happily Facebook-official with someone, it's good to know in your mind what real, true love looks - or sounds! - like to you. I think I found something that does that for me. One of my BFLs (that's Bestie for Life) shared a video with me by the poet Rudy Francisco. He has a few super-sweet poems, but this one, called "The First Time You Said Hello," absolutely melts my heart.
As V-Day approaches, remember to look for (and create!) the kind of relationship you deserve. What I wish for you is that you find someone who adores you for you and wants to be part of your life through the good and the bad... because I know you would do that much and more for them.
xoxo
The Fab Gal
What's something that epitomizes your idea of love? A song, a movie, a picture, a real couple you know? Share in the comments below!
2012 is still brand new, so it’s that time when everyone is hopeful – making resolutions and looking forward to the possibilities of the New Year. It’s also that time for me (and maybe you!) when graduation is just a few months away. Sure, graduation is an ending, and reflecting about all that’s changed since you stepped through those school doors for the first time. But even more, graduation is about making big decisions for the future. What do you want to do with your life? Where will you go to college? Or maybe, who do you wanna be when you step into the halls of middle school? The questions and uncertainty are enough to make the future seem a little frightening.
When the future seems frightening, it’s easy to just push it away, focus on the now, ignore the what-ifs, and play it safe. That's what I've been doing, anyway. But of course, that’s not really dealing. No matter what you do (or don’t do) the future is always coming, one minute at a time. Thankfully for me, I have someone who always puts things in perspective. My dad reminded me that what matters most is thinking not just about the right now, but where you want to be in the future – whether that’s 1 year, 4 years, or 10 years. Because c’mon, you have big dreams, right? But the only way to get there is by pulling them out of the clouds and starting to work towards them right now, not some day in the future once this or that happens. I don’t want you or me to sell ourselves and our Fab-ness short by squishing down life into what fits in the present.
So I’m starting to make goals for the new year… including a few I hope to share with you. But what are your hopes, FG? How are you moving forward in 2012? Share in the comments below… and know I’m cheering you on every step of the way.
So of course not every Fab Gal gets to (or wants to) spend her time in the spotlight. However, I think it's really cool when girls use the opportunities they've been given, like fame, to help others. So this top 5 is honoring 5 well-known Fab Gals who shined in in 2011.
1. Demi Lovato - After leaving treatment at the beginning of the year, Demi has bounced back in a big way. In addition to releasing a new album, which includes the stay-strong anthem "Skyscraper," she's become a contributing editor for Seventeen, sharing about her struggles with the pressure to be perfect and encouraging other girls to be confident. Demi has proved that you can grow out of struggles and mistakes to be strong and help others. Check out her work for Seventeenhere.
2. Kendall Jenner - The Kardashians have certainly garnered their share of fame as fortune, as well as plenty of criticism. However, this younger member of the K crew doesn't take her blessings for granted. For her Sweet 16 party, she asked guests bring toys to donate to the local children's hospital instead of presents for herself. She found a way to have the best of both worlds - a rooftop party with family and friends, and gifts to give to others. Read more about her party here.
3. Kate Middleton - This now-duchess is of course best known in 2011 for her fairytale wedding to Prince William. But in an era where princesses have gotten a bad rep, she's used her position for good. In just the last few months, she has supported UNICEF, been named an ambassador for the Olympics, and made other charity visits. Talk about princess power!
4. Taylor Swift - Okay, I am just the biggest T-Swfit fangirl ever. But in an age where some do find fame for being catty on a reality TV show, Taylor really is a true sweetheart. What's more, she's willing to "Speak Now" and share her story in songs that are relatable. She's like a supportive best friend over the stereo! Check out her latest video, for "Ours," here.
5. Sarah Cronk - Okay, you may not recognize her name, but this is a girl worth knowing about. In 2008, she started a cheerleading squad at her school that included girls with disabilities. That grew into the Sparkle Effect, a program that helps girls at schools across the country create similar squads. This year, she won the top prize at the 2011 VH1 Do Something Awards. That means she won $100,000 for her organization. . . in addition to getting to wear a sparkly dress on TV and makeeye contact with Justin Bieber. Talk about a Fab Gal! Learn more about the Sparkle Effect here.
So FGs, that's my top 5 for 2011. Who would be on your list? Who are the FGs in your life? Share in the comments below!
So Fab Gals, it's getting to be that time of year - back-to-school. Personally, I love this time of year. Not that I'm exactly excited about homework and test again (in fact, I'm really not). But it always seems like the first day brings with it tons of possibilities - for new adventures, new challenges, new crushes... or even just new school supplies! But before we leave behind the lazy (or crazy!) days of summer, I want to share with you one of the out-of-school lessons I learned.
I am definitely, positively not perfect. But you know what? I do alright.
There's been a lot out there lately about self-acceptance, with Demi Lovato and other celebs (and real girls!) speaking out against the "pressure to be perfect." I feel like I started to accept that lesson a long time ago. I mean, that's one of the tenants of being a Fab Gal, right? Know that your imperfections are just a part of the beautiful, complex girl that you are. But sometimes, I struggle with accepting my own brand of imperfect. Like, okay, I can deal with being a bruises-like-a-peach klutz. I mean, it makes for funny stories, right? But if I deal with that, can't I just have 24/7 perfect skin? And being a bit shy - no big deal. I can work through that. But the down moods and grouchy moments? I could live without (and believe me, others could too!).
But let me tell you about the moment that I decided just-like-this was more-than-enough. It was the end of a day at the amusement park with my friends. Everyone was snapping pics like crazy. Problem was, I didn't feel so camera ready. I had a sweaty, make-up free face, and humidity-frizzy water park hair... not to mention a mental image of myself as bloated like a balloon from the standard fried theme park food. I was already dreading seeing those photos on Facebook. But then I realized, you know what? It's so worth it. I spent a day running around with new and old friends. I'll never forget the feeling of riding front seat down the roller coaster or being stopped right at the top of the Ferris wheel when the fireworks started (truly magical). So snap away. Today was perfect.
As you head into the school year, if you find yourself getting down on yourself, stop and make sure you're looking at things from the right direction. Even if you feel imperfect, maybe things (and you!) are perfect in their own way, when you look at the whole picture. Sometimes you need to put yourself out there, flaws and all, to live the full life you really deserve.
So this is me, imperfect and unedited. Remember FGs, I'm always here when you need me. And whatever challenges you face this year, I'm behind you all the way. Let's show the world what our little imperfect selves are capable of!
Reality stars aren't exactly known for having healthy relationships. I'm thinking of the bizarre showdown that is "The Bachelor" and pretty much any reality show involving a celebrity or housewife. But The Lo-Down, a dating guide by Lo Bosworth, proves that some stars are firmly grounded in... well, reality. The lovely chica of "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills" fame has put together a relationship how-to manual that is well-worth the read.
The Lo-Down is centered on The Golden Rule, which basically comes down to "if it doesn't work out with a guy, he is not the right guy for YOU, so ditch the misconception that you must not be right for HIM." It's a similar message to the one from the ever-popular He's Just Not That Into You (read: If he's not treating you right, don't waste your time), but softer. In fact, this book is a nice contrast, because it takes the power from the guy and gives it to you. That's what's also so fab about this book - Lo encourages you to believe in your worth and gives specific tips for building your confidence, like setting goals, volunteering, and making a Love List. While personally-focused, it's sensibly in keeping with the goal of the book, because Lo knows that when you believe in yourself, you'll be able to find and build a relationship where you're happy and treated right.
Another bonus: this book is equal parts solid advice and simple fun. It includes features such as insightful quizzes (think the ones from Quizfest or Cosmo, but more meaningful) and personal stories about herself and friends to back up her points. I also absolutely adored the list of the types of guys that fall into the categories of "Baddies" and "Goodies." Sure, it's generally best to avoid putting labels on anyone, boys included. But when you're dealing with the blurry vision that comes with crushes and broken hearts, Lo's categories help you see the hard facts of the situation. It's sooo much easier to step back, look around, and say "Oh, we've got a Can't-Commit Charlie on our hands" than it is to argue with the strong emotions you may have (and the sensitivity that comes with them).
Okay, before I conclude this gush-fest over the lovely Lo-Down, let me just point out that Lo gives helpful advice for every step of the relationship road, from the initial signs that a guy is into you, to moving on from the wrong one, and everything in-between, such as fun date ideas and recipes to make with or for your beau. The Lo-Down is an especially great read for girls between relationships ready for a new approach, but it could still be an enjoyable read if you're happily in one. Consider Lo your down-to-earth girlfriend with the advice you need to hear and a sweet shoulder to lean on.
xoxo
P.S.The Lo-Down website is currently in makeover mode, but you can pick up a copy of the book here.
Hey girlies! I just wanted to share with you something really cool in the media lately. Demi Lovato, after leaving rehab and opening up about her struggles with bipolar disorder, cutting, and an eating disorder, has partnered up wit Seventeen magazine as a contributing editor, to share her campaign "Love is Louder than the Pressure to Be Perfect." You can check out more about it here: demi lovato opens up about the pressure to be perfect. I think it's a great message - sharing you struggles to help others. Check it out!
I started thinking yesterday about strengths and weaknesses. I was thinking that even though we usually consider them to be opposites, maybe they're not really that different. Maybe they're more like one thing, flipsides of a coin or a continuum. Maybe being happy and successful is figuring out how to best use your traits in each situation.
For example, I am cautious. Which means I generally don't get myself in dangerous situations (riding in a car without a seatbelt, doing drugs, jumping off a building). But sometimes it means I psych myself out of doing something I do want to do when I get nervous (leading to those "Oh, if only I had..." kind of moments). I am thoughtful - I think about everything all the time - which I believe is what allows me to be a writer, when I can channel it in that direction. But then sometimes I worry too much, and I wish I could turn it off and just breathe.
I also feel like my determination, one of my favorite traits, could be the death of me. It's certainly done me both good and bad. There's nothing inherently wrong with being stubborn or a go-getter, but when you're truly hell-bent on something, it sounds like you are headed in the wrong direction. Being determined has helped me with challenges, like making the cheerleading squad and starting a website (3 years and counting!). But then there are times like when I was resolved to lose weight. I certainly made it happen, but it didn't make me happy. Now it makes me hesitant whenever I start to get in that can't-stop-me-now mindset, because I wonder if I am sending myself down the wrong path.
So yeah, I'm definitely not good at giving things up (see the Diet Coke to my left). But I'm also not good at giving up on things that matter. If I was, would I be here? Definitely not.
You know, we always say that the way to be happy with ourselves and build self-esteem is to embrace and accept our flaws. And I do believe that is a lovely way to live. But maybe, at least sometimes, you can take it one step further, and consider how to use your flaws in a way so that they aren't really flaws at all. Are you nerdy, or are you studious and unique? Are you pushy, or could you be assertive when it matters? Are you absentminded, with your "head in the clouds," or do you have a great imagination in need of a place to go, like art or writing or music?
So don't be scared of your weaknesses. They may just be strengths you haven't figured out how to use yet.
I guess lately I have been thinking a lot about the less comfortable aspects of life that you must brave through in order to live your fullest, best life. One of those is speaking up when something is bothering you.
I am at a point in my life where I'm trying to learn how to make my own decisions and be independent. I've gotten a lot better at it. I'm having a lot of fun with it, too (my belly button has never been more glam-ified). I still get stuck sometimes, though. And it reminds me that sometimes when you've found yourself in a hole, it's time to stop digging and speak up before you can't be heard anymore.
I've been panicked beyond panicked about what I'm going to do next year after I graduate. I have some direction, and one idea in particular. But I've been really shaken up about it, and I finally realized how much it was affecting me below the surface. And I hadn't said anything to anyone about how I was feeling because it seemed better off to not acknowledge it and make it real. Less painful, anyway. I didn't want to talk, and then find out the things that I thought were true were really true - that there was absolutely no good solution. But once I realized how much I was struggling, I decided it couldn't hurt - it had to come out eventually, right? So I jumped in and told my dad about it. There were tears, definitely, and uncomfortable moments of silence for me where I just wanted to run. But it was a huge relief. Like maybe everything really will be okay. I'll be okay. My future will be bright. And I have help.
So many girls that I get to chat with online at work (which I seem to be able to brag about forever, but I will hold back for now) write in to us with big problems, or even if not "big," at least important ones that really would be best discussed with someone who knows them, face-to-face. A lot of the girls seem to understand that's what they "should" do, but often they have reasons why they feel like they can't. And that's understandable. I know people find themselves in lives I can't even imagine, where they really don't at the moment have anyone they can trust. But for the most part, I think it's just that the idea of talking about something uncomfortable or embarrassing seems too difficult, especially if it's not something you usually do. But it can be so worth it.
If I could go back in time and change one thing about my life, I would have spoken up sooner. There was a period of time in 7th grade when I was really struggling with my body, and just felt really insecure and shy. I do wonder now how my life would be different if I had reached out for help. But it's nobody's fault. I don't even really blame myself. I was clueless to the fact that how I was feeling wasn't normal or deserved, that I could be happier. And honestly, if everything that happened makes me who I am now, and gives me the chance to stop others from getting stuck in the same problems, then it was all worth it. I'll speak up, now and forever.
And I think those two words - speak up - can make so many situations better. If you see a friend slipping into a bad sitch, say something. She might be mad, but it's better than just letting her go on that way. And speaking up is monumentally important in dating relationships. Even when you like someone and feel so in sync with them, it's not always so easy to take on their perspective. And they might not see things the way you do, either. My BFF pointed out to me that when you have "silences" in a relationship - where you are not talking about a problem - it's easy to fill in the silences with what you think they are thinking or feeling, and totally over-analyze. So say something. There's actually a very good chance that you will clear things up and see there wasn't much of a problem at all. Don't be afraid to speak up even if it's not a problem per se, just something you want or need (like, you want your bf to hold your hand, or you want more one-on-one time with your BFF). Sure, you can't always get what you want, but you deserve to be heard.
You're ultimately responsible for yourself, but sometimes that means knowing when to ask for help. And besides, your friends and family are the most important people in your life, they want to help, and they deserve to get to know and love the real you. So speak up. Now's the time.
[Photo: Taylor Swift fan? Nobody knows how to "Speak Now" like the country chica.]
"The way I see it, if you want the sunshine you gotta put up with the rain. - Dolly Parton
There's a time to hide out for shelter, and there's a time to buckle up and keep moving forward. I was going all philosophical on this idea, on life as I was driving home from movie night at my best friend's house and got caught in a rainstorm. When I'd left, the sky had been calm and clear, but all of the sudden I was on a highway I barely recognized anymore because of the sudden downpour (and I'm not exaggerating - my windshield wipers were about to give up and flee to the desert). I thought momentarily of pulling over, but that didn't seem like a much more appealing (or even safe) option. I decided if I just kept driving, slowly and cautiously, soon enough I would be exactly where I wanted to be - in bed, headphones in, listening to Selena Gomez and quickly falling asleep. And in that moment I realized that's just how it is with everything in life - sometimes you find yourself in a storm, even if things looked so clear to begin with, and it's easy to be overwhelmed. But it won't last forever.
I guess people have probably used that comparison for ages, that bad times in life are like a storm. But what I only just realized is that even journeys to places you want to go, or ones that start out beautiful, can involve times of trouble. And I love storms.
My mom said something similar to me once - I thought it was important so I wrote it down, and recently thought of it again. She said that sometimes you have to struggle through the hard parts of life or do things you don't like because it allows you to get to where you want to be or do what you want to do later. She was referring to law school, her own personal storm. I imagine it's the same way for other things - breaking bad habits, training for a marathon, or overcoming self-doubt to take on a new challenge, whether it's writing a novel or just talking to a boy you like.
Perseverance, or being able to keep going in spite of challenges and obstacles, is what it's all about. Being able to pause, take a deep breath, and keep going. There are two other Ps that I think are also important - patience and perspective. Patience is a virtue, or so I've heard, but it's one that I am only beginning to acquire. I don't mean patience in the annoying "Be patient, wait your turn" kind of way you know it when you're little, although it's kind of like that. I looked it up in the dictionary, to make sure I actually knew what I was talking about, and it described patience as "an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay." I think that's perfect. Instead of flipping out or throwing your cards in or whatever you want to call it, you hold on. Really, it all comes back to having faith - in life in general, but especially in yourself. You sometimes just have to wait.
Then there's perspective. This is where, when things get difficult, you make sure you're actually seeing them clearly. I used to chide myself for walking around like there was some dark cloud over my head. But maybe I was just looking at it from the wrong direction. I do live under a storm cloud. But I'm the lightning. I have the power - it's limited, it won't last forever, and it can certainly be destructive. But it's mine. And I get to do what I want with it.
If you think you know where you're going, you can still move forward, and maybe you'll make it where you were headed all along. The drive just had more adventure than you planned.
"I am not afraid of storms for I am learning to sail my ship." - Louisa May Alcott
There is one other aspect of this funny/lovely/twisted life that I have come to regard as highly (or nearly so) as heartbreak: That would be failure. Or at least, the possibility of it.
Let me explain.
Lately, I've found it's easy to toss aside the dreams you have for yourself when you feel unsure (which, let's face it, is at some point almost inevitable). What's especially tricky is that dreams by their very definition are a little beyond logic or grander than real life. Until you make them real, that is. And I guess the tipping point is if the load becomes too much to bear - you feel unsure, you feel like you're going to mess up, or you're not even sure if what you want is what you really want.
Still, I believe in the face of all that, you have a reason to keep going. There's a tiny shred of something - a memory, a desire, a hope - about the size of a piece of fuzz from a dandelion ready to be blown away for a wish. So small. But if you catch it, you can fly with it... and suddenly it's just big enough.
And the benefits are multiple. I decided to run for a student government position at my school this year (secretary, because nobody does detailed notes like I do). It was something I wasn't sure if I even wanted to do or not, but I decided to go for it. The night I found out I won the election, which I thought should have felt awesome for any normal person, I had this sinking, oh-shoot-what-did-I-get-myself-into? feeling. But I had done it, so there was no turning back. And it turned out to be possibly the best decision I made all year. I had a great time, and the people I met, including a few who at the beginning of the year I wasn't so sure about, turned out to be amazing friends... and some even a little more (if you need a hint, see the previous article). It was exactly what I wanted - fun and friends - but it was also more. Those people and the experience brought out parts of me that had been missing for a while, parts that I hadn't realized how much I missed. They see me for Lady Gaga and glitter and quick comebacks, and I love them so much for it. Anyways, what I am saying by all of this gushing is that sometimes taking that chance (to fail, or just for things to totally suck) can be life-changing for you, in ways you never would have expected. I certainly could not have predicted all that would come out of a decision to do something I was wishy-washy about to begin with. It's become kind of a guiding principle for me. If I'm not sure about something, as long as it's not, you know, harmful or destructive, I think, "Hey, why not? It could lead to something great." Or not. Either way, you learn something.
That's another benefit, something that writing has taught me. Sometimes, putting yourself out there gives you the chance to sort out what's right and what's wrong. I have had a pretty wonderful opportunity to write for a pretty wonderful magazine this year. And my articles get posted online, so of course I go check out the comments. And let me say, I am starting to understand why celebrities don't read what people write about them on blogs and whatever. Because people are not afraid to say what they think online, and even when they're not crazy-mean, negative comments can sting. But one thing I've come to understand is that no matter if it's positive or negative, feedback can help. You can take in the positive (and smile), and then take in the negative - some of it is just "whatever," and you can toss it aside. But the rest you can learn from. I was devastated once when I read that someone used the tips in my article (a captivating piece about how to use a curling iron) and reported back that they didn't work. I was upset because I realized that even though I had done the research (and lots of it, let me tell you), I couldn't say for sure if they did work, because I hadn't tested them out myself. And I felt bad, but instantly a million little things came into my mind of how I could have double-checked to give myself the back-up (called my hair stylist, checked with my beauty-savvy best friend, etc.). And I was like, "Hey, this is okay. It hurts, because I wanted it to be perfect. But now I know." So what I'm saying is, taking a chance to fail (and sometimes failing) puts you in the fortunate position of being able to learn what works and what doesn't. Making you even more amazing and knowledgeable than you were before. Which you can't achieve just by imagining. You only get there by going out and doing.
What's most important though, is this: Allowing yourself the possibility of failing, of going after that wish or dream and having it all fall through, is an investment - in whoever it is you're going to become. And, even more importantly, it's a signal of faith and an act of love directed towards who you are right now.
Allow yourself to fail. A million times over. No matter what happens, you'll be changed for the better. It's inevitable.
In the end, this is what I've come up with: I may not get what I want. I can't even say I deserve it. But I'll be damned if I don't try.
There's a saying that "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" (Alfred, Lord Tennyson said it first). I always thought that was a dumb thing to say (especially to someone who's just suffered a love-loss, which I imagine the first person to hear it was). In my mind, it's not far from saying "Tis better to have gambled your money away in Vegas than never to have gone on vacation at all." Well, okay. I guess. If you say so.
But having recently been on the losing side of "All's fair in love and war" (another don't-even-get-me-started phrase), I can see how maybe 'tis better. Not so much that the good times are worth the pain. It's hard, at least sitting in-the-moment with sadness, to feel like they were. But - I don't know. Somehow the world, your world, is a little different after. Shaken, and that's a good thing.
For one, there's a certain amount of energy and emotion, leftover post-love, which has to be channeled somewhere. Of course, it can be used destructively. Definitely. Many people seem to chide the Ben & Jerry's break-up cure. Surely it's not enough, but I don't actually think it's that bad. Eventually you'll be hungry for something more, maybe something beautiful (Where would we be if Drew had not walked right on by Taylor Swift? Sorely living in a world without "Teardrops on My Guitar"). You can run, you can paint - I write. It can even be something a little more surface-level - cleaning your room, going makeover-crazy. It's not everything, but it's something. Your world becomes a little shiny and new.
Also, cheesy as it sounds, falling in love can remind you of the possibilities and potential that life holds, sometimes when you don't see it coming. And sure, nobody wants to be the girl who completely depends on others to be okay with herself, but I think love can bring into focus why you love yourself. "I love you for the part of me that you bring out." Roy Croft said that. I, for one, am a sassy little firework. I remember that now. And that's something I don't ever have to give back.
That's not to say that heartbreak is all-powerful, or it leaves you perfect and indestructible. At least form where I stand now, I'm more aware of the weaknesses I have. Like, There you go, chicky, wanting the wrong things at the wrong time. Or is it the right things at the wrong time? A little obsessive, a little unstable, unpractical and too emotional. And maybe definitely still hurting, long past what I'm comfortable with.
But no matter how big the pain, how obvious your flaws - well, there you have it. You're here, you survived. You're okay.
I wanted to share with you a completely fabulous way to get involved. It's called Girl Up, and it's a "for girls, by girls" campaign started by the United Nations (so yeah, it's totally legit). They work to help girls in developing countries like Guatemala, Liberia, Ethiopia, and Malawi. Their mission includes getting the girls education and health services, so they can not only lead happy and healthy lives now, but be the leaders and FGs of their countries in the future. There are so many ways to give, from $5, your facebook status, or your time. I encourage you to check it out, because sometimes nothing feels better than helping someone else.
This year, I've had an amazing opportunity to give advice to girls all over the country through one of my fave websites. It's kind of glamorous, like being an advice columnist, although I haven't been published in a magazine (at least, not yet anyway!). Me, working at warp speed to rescue girls from friend/boy/body/beauty crises, one by one. Okay, that's a bit of a stretch. I definitely don't have perfect answers to all the Q's I get, but I do the best I can. Still, being the go-to girl for problem solving has taught me that there is a big difference between giving advice, and being able to follow your own.
My life, although completely Fab, doesn't always feel that way. Even when things are going great, there's usually still something I want to fix. I probably worry too much. I often feel like the girls who write in - I've got a problem, and I would like to be given a clear road map for getting out of it. Thankfully, I've got a team of rescue workers myself for when I get stuck. But recently, one of them pointed out that maybe the trouble isn't that I don't know what to do, but that I don't follow the helpful advice I would give to someone else.
I think this happens to a lot of us FGs. If a sister, BFF, or cousin were in a tough sitch, we could see a simple solution to get her out of it. What's more, we would be supportive, and really believe that she could get through. But we often make ourselves the exception. Especially if we're feeling stressed or not very confident, we don't always treat ourselves as nicely as we would a friend in trouble. Being in the middle of it, and having our thoughts and emotions all over the place, can make it extra hard. Instead of advice and support, we might give ourselves extra stress and worry, or even beat ourselves up for having a problem in the first place. We may not mean to do it. But being negative or harsh doesn't solve any problems - usually, it just adds to them.
So next time you need some advice, try to think of what you would say to someone you really care about. Instead of being critical or mean, try to give yourself the support you would to a BFF. Even if you can't come up with all the answers right away, just trusting that you can handle any sitch is a great start. But hey, that's just my advice.
