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Sunday, June 5, 2011 |
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| Speak Up, Speak Now |
I guess lately I have been thinking a lot about the less comfortable aspects of life that you must brave through in order to live your fullest, best life. One of those is speaking up when something is bothering you. I am at a point in my life where I'm trying to learn how to make my own decisions and be independent. I've gotten a lot better at it. I'm having a lot of fun with it, too (my belly button has never been more glam-ified). I still get stuck sometimes, though. And it reminds me that sometimes when you've found yourself in a hole, it's time to stop digging and speak up before you can't be heard anymore.
I've been panicked beyond panicked about what I'm going to do next year after I graduate. I have some direction, and one idea in particular. But I've been really shaken up about it, and I finally realized how much it was affecting me below the surface. And I hadn't said anything to anyone about how I was feeling because it seemed better off to not acknowledge it and make it real. Less painful, anyway. I didn't want to talk, and then find out the things that I thought were true were really true - that there was absolutely no good solution. But once I realized how much I was struggling, I decided it couldn't hurt - it had to come out eventually, right? So I jumped in and told my dad about it. There were tears, definitely, and uncomfortable moments of silence for me where I just wanted to run. But it was a huge relief. Like maybe everything really will be okay. I'll be okay. My future will be bright. And I have help.
So many girls that I get to chat with online at work (which I seem to be able to brag about forever, but I will hold back for now) write in to us with big problems, or even if not "big," at least important ones that really would be best discussed with someone who knows them, face-to-face. A lot of the girls seem to understand that's what they "should" do, but often they have reasons why they feel like they can't. And that's understandable. I know people find themselves in lives I can't even imagine, where they really don't at the moment  have anyone they can trust. But for the most part, I think it's just that the idea of talking about something uncomfortable or embarrassing seems too difficult, especially if it's not something you usually do. But it can be so worth it. If I could go back in time and change one thing about my life, I would have spoken up sooner. There was a period of time in 7th grade when I was really struggling with my body, and just felt really insecure and shy. I do wonder now how my life would be different if I had reached out for help. But it's nobody's fault. I don't even really blame myself. I was clueless to the fact that how I was feeling wasn't normal or deserved, that I could be happier. And honestly, if everything that happened makes me who I am now, and gives me the chance to stop others from getting stuck in the same problems, then it was all worth it. I'll speak up, now and forever. And I think those two words - speak up - can make so many situations better. If you see a friend slipping into a bad sitch, say something. She might be mad, but it's better than just letting her go on that way. And speaking up is monumentally important in dating relationships. Even when you like someone and feel so in sync with them, it's not always so easy to take on their perspective. And they might not see things the way you do, either. My BFF pointed out to me that when you have "silences" in a relationship - where you are not talking about a problem - it's easy to fill in the silences with what you think they are thinking or feeling, and totally over-analyze. So say something. There's actually a very good chance that you will clear things up and see there wasn't much of a problem at all. Don't be afraid to speak up even if it's not a problem per se, just something you want or need (like, you want your bf to hold your hand, or you want more one-on-one time with your BFF). Sure, you can't always get what you want, but you deserve to be heard.
You're ultimately responsible for yourself, but sometimes that means knowing when to ask for help. And besides, your friends and family are the most important people in your life, they want to help, and they deserve to get to know and love the real you. So speak up. Now's the time. [Photo: Taylor Swift fan? Nobody knows how to "Speak Now" like the country chica.] Labels: advice, difficult conversations, fab gal, relationships, self esteem, Speak Now, talk |
posted by Fab Gal @ 9:33 AM   |
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Wednesday, March 4, 2009 |
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| Lost in Translation |
Hey FGs!
I think that everyone at some time has looked in the mirror and said to themselves, "Oh, I look so gross today," or maybe groaned to a friend, "I feel fat!" Okay, maybe not everyone, at least I hope not, but it does seem to be pretty common. I remember once hearing it referred to as another language - of fat talk. And if you think about it, that makes a lot of sense. There's all kinds of languages - gossip, diet talk. And it's so easy to pick up on - especially on the news and TV, these are hot topics. Is that really a problem? Maybe not. Until it becomes a way of speaking, not just a passing idea.
You see, sometimes these things that we say are just one way of saying something else. Fat is not actually a feeling. So I hear. I know that can seem hard to believe -like, No, but I really really do feel fat. But that's just what you think in translation.
So how do you make the switch? It's starts with just being aware, and thinking, Okay, what's really the sitch? Because focusing on dieting or weight or looks as a solution only makes sense when you think that you are feeling "fat" or "ugly." But what if you were really feeling sad, scared, worried, or worthless? Well, then you would probably have to find another solution, beyond dieting. But of course, that just does not seem as easy sometimes.
Switching from diet talk, fat talk, gossip talk, or any other type of harmful talk is hard, especially when you've become a native speaker. I know. Moving to a place of appreciating yourself and listening to what you would actually say if you weren't saying it in those ways is difficult. But it's a trip worth making.
xoxo
The Fab GalLabels: advice, fab gal, girls, self-confidence, talk, teens |
| posted by Fab Gal @ 8:01 PM |
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Wednesday, September 24, 2008 |
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| Body Language |
Hey Fab Gals!
The other day I gave you some examples of girls talking about being "fat." Chances are, you know someone who talks negatively about her food or her body - maybe all of your friends talk that way. While it may not seem serious, that kind of talk can sometimes be sign of future problems. It isn't good for them, and it isn't good for you, either. All that negativity can really damage your self image. Here are some ways to change the language...
- Ignore the Negativity - When a friend starts the "fat" talk, don't make it worse. While you might think it would make her feel better to disagree with her or to tell her about your "fatness," that just drags out the negativity. Try to breeze by, if you can.
- Be Open - While you don't want to encourage her to talk that way, it's also important to be sensitive. She may be feeling sensitive about her body, or about another issue. If a friend starts to criticize herself, ask her if something else is bothering her.
- Change the Talk - If you and your friends often go into a body-loathing session after ordering pizza or going out for ice cream, try to steer away from that. It may seem like you're bonding, but do you really want to bond over how fat you feel? Talk about how much you enjoy getting to be with each other, not how many calories you ate.
- Share the Love - We spend so much time criticizing ourselves that we often get consumed by it. Remind your friends how awesome they are. Sometimes a genuine compliment can make all the difference for someone.
- Lead by Example - It's alright if everyone around you seems to talk "fat" all the time. But you don't have to. Be an example of someone who loves their body. Sometimes actions speak a lot louder than words.
Hopefully that helps, FGs. You are too beautiful and fabulous to spend your time body-hating! But if you ever need a reminder, I can always be reached here, by e-mail at fabgalsite@gmail.com, or at The Fab Gal Myspace. xoxo The Fab Gal Labels: body image, fab gal, friends, girls, self esteem, talk, teens |
| posted by Fab Gal @ 7:56 AM |
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Friday, July 18, 2008 |
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| Sweet Talker |
Happy Friday Fab Gals!
So I basically love words. I love to talk. To write. To listen. And to text (last month's bill would tell you I love it a little too much). And it's interesting, because even though we use them all the time, I think we forget what power they have. What we say, to ourselves and to others, is a big reflection of how we are feeling with ourselves.
It's mostly easy to talk nice with others. Mom and Pop raised us to be polite, so even when you want to give the mean girl the perfect comeback, you know to bite your tongue. But think about what you say to yourself in your head. Do you nag? Do you (silently) yell at yourself, or tell yourself you're not good enough? For most girls, the answer would be yes, at least sometimes. We would never talk to anyone else that way, so why is it okay to do it to ourselves?
I read an article in Self, about a woman who named that voice in her head Stan. Stan was a short, bald meanie who had nothing better to do than belittle her. It sounds a little nuts, but it helped her to separate that voice. Eventually she was able to talk back to Stan. It can be hard to confront ourselves, but you have to remember - those mean thoughts saying we're too fat or too dumb or too lazy are NOT facts. They are simply a reflection of how you are feeling right now.
I saw in this book, The Southern Guide to Flirting (don't ask), that you need to talk yourself up, because no one but your mother will do it for you. While I don't think you need to go around singing your praises to the world, it can be good to think about doing so to yourself. No one can say or do anything to make you feel good about yourself for long if you don't already.
I'm not saying you need to think of Stan or talk back to yourself, exactly (although i thought her plan was genious, if not a little crazy). But do think about your words, and what they mean. Why would you say that to yourself, if you wouldn't let anyone else talk to you that way? It might surprise you, Fab Gals, but just because you think those things, doesn't make them true. Maybe you deserve some compliments for a change. I know you are totally beautiful and smart and absolutely Fab, but you need to say it yourself.
xoxo
The Fab Gal  Labels: girls, self esteem, talk, teens |
| posted by Fab Gal @ 7:58 AM |
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