"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe
Oh, V-Day. It’s funny how a day all about sugar can inspire so much bitterness. I’ve heard people joke that they only recognize “Singles’ Awareness Day” or “Sad and Alone Day.” Of course they’re just kidding – but then you don’t hear anyone teasing Thanksgiving! There are also people who seem to really hate the holiday. They say it’s too commercialized, puts too much pressure on people in relationships, or that we should celebrate love every day, not 1 in 365.
I’ve never been one of those people. I couldn’t possibly hate a day reserved for all of my favorite things: glitter, pink, roses, chocolate, and heart-shaped anything. And I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with making a day to celebrate love – in all its forms – a little louder than usual.
At least that’s how I usually feel. But this year… truthfully, I’ve been feeling like Sad-and-Alone, party of one.
I can remember being a little girl in Barbie PJs, dreaming about the day Prince Charming would come (I pictured him as B, the 5-year-old Romeo in my kindergarten class). Then, a few years later, I couldn’t wait to be old enough to have a BF and go to prom (as close as it gets to Cinderella dreams, right?).
That was all cute enough. But now… the feeling doesn't seem so adorable. I hate to even admit it, because it always seems like strong, confident girls aren’t supposed to care if they’re single. But I do.
Anyways, I imagined I could spend V-Day night curled up in bed, drowning my singleness in truffles, tears, and chick flicks. But the reality is, solo or no, I’m really, really lucky. I have so many Fab Guys in my life – my dad, my brother, my BGFs – who care for me, whom I have fun with, and most importantly, who let me be me. Ultimately, those are the qualities I want in a boyfriend. Someday. For now… I’ll just enjoy my time as one of the guys.
But that’s just my story. Wherever V-Day brings you, my chocolate-covered wish is that every day you get to do what you love, be who you love… and celebrate with the ones you love.
There are certain characters that show up again and again in the movies and on TV. The mean-but-popular cheerleader. The nerdy-sweet sidekick. Some of them are totally fake and just for entertainment (In fact, most cheerleaders are actually quite… cheerful).
But then sometimes…. Well, art imitates life. You know that girl who’s so obviously with the wrong guy, but she keeps going back to him again and again? The classic off-and-on relationship – like Ross and Rachel, except with a bad boy. Well to be honest, I always thought that girl was kind of dumb. Or crazy. I mean really, do you think anything is going to happen differently this time? No. How many times do you have to hit your head against the wall… to see it always going to hurt you?
But there’s nothing like life lessons to teach you not to judge. Because I have been That Girl.
I don’t need to get into the details of it. Boy likes girl. Girl gives him a chance. Boy decides he’s done, and girl gets her heart broken. Then the cycle repeats.
I don’t know. I just liked him so much, you know? It seemed worth the risk. But really I didn’t think about the risk at all. Love (or even just the possibility of it) makes you remember hope and forget logic. With the right person it’s lovely, but with the wrong one, it can be toxic.
But what I want you to know is, if a relationship is not working out like you imagined, and you’re just getting hurt, don’t settle. I know, I know… it’s not that easy. Boy, do I ever know. Because it doesn’t feel like settling. And at first, when you’re letting go of that back-and-forth fella, it’s going to hurt you. Way more than it hurts him. But you have to let all of it go – the memories, the feelings, and that piece of you that’s always with him. You’ll never be able to find the right person, and let them in, if you’re saving a seat for the wrong person. Eventually, you have to kiss Mr. Wrong goodbye and let the credits roll. I finally decided to do that.
Of course, if this was a movie, Mr. Right would have shown up 5 minutes and a sad song after I made the right decision. And we would kiss on my doorstep, preferably in the pouring rain. But in real life, happy endings aren’t so immediate. I still believe I made the right decision though.
Because I’ve been That Girl. And I’m so done. That chapter is closed, the scene is cut. Moving on. I think I’ll go back to being the hopeless romantic, Cinderella-waiting-for-Prince-Charming I’ve always been.
I believe there’s someone wonderful out there for me and for you.
And besides, I just can’t resist a good glass slipper.
Whether you're a single lady or happily Facebook-official with someone, it's good to know in your mind what real, true love looks - or sounds! - like to you. I think I found something that does that for me. One of my BFLs (that's Bestie for Life) shared a video with me by the poet Rudy Francisco. He has a few super-sweet poems, but this one, called "The First Time You Said Hello," absolutely melts my heart.
As V-Day approaches, remember to look for (and create!) the kind of relationship you deserve. What I wish for you is that you find someone who adores you for you and wants to be part of your life through the good and the bad... because I know you would do that much and more for them.
xoxo
The Fab Gal
What's something that epitomizes your idea of love? A song, a movie, a picture, a real couple you know? Share in the comments below!
Reality stars aren't exactly known for having healthy relationships. I'm thinking of the bizarre showdown that is "The Bachelor" and pretty much any reality show involving a celebrity or housewife. But The Lo-Down, a dating guide by Lo Bosworth, proves that some stars are firmly grounded in... well, reality. The lovely chica of "Laguna Beach" and "The Hills" fame has put together a relationship how-to manual that is well-worth the read.
The Lo-Down is centered on The Golden Rule, which basically comes down to "if it doesn't work out with a guy, he is not the right guy for YOU, so ditch the misconception that you must not be right for HIM." It's a similar message to the one from the ever-popular He's Just Not That Into You (read: If he's not treating you right, don't waste your time), but softer. In fact, this book is a nice contrast, because it takes the power from the guy and gives it to you. That's what's also so fab about this book - Lo encourages you to believe in your worth and gives specific tips for building your confidence, like setting goals, volunteering, and making a Love List. While personally-focused, it's sensibly in keeping with the goal of the book, because Lo knows that when you believe in yourself, you'll be able to find and build a relationship where you're happy and treated right.
Another bonus: this book is equal parts solid advice and simple fun. It includes features such as insightful quizzes (think the ones from Quizfest or Cosmo, but more meaningful) and personal stories about herself and friends to back up her points. I also absolutely adored the list of the types of guys that fall into the categories of "Baddies" and "Goodies." Sure, it's generally best to avoid putting labels on anyone, boys included. But when you're dealing with the blurry vision that comes with crushes and broken hearts, Lo's categories help you see the hard facts of the situation. It's sooo much easier to step back, look around, and say "Oh, we've got a Can't-Commit Charlie on our hands" than it is to argue with the strong emotions you may have (and the sensitivity that comes with them).
Okay, before I conclude this gush-fest over the lovely Lo-Down, let me just point out that Lo gives helpful advice for every step of the relationship road, from the initial signs that a guy is into you, to moving on from the wrong one, and everything in-between, such as fun date ideas and recipes to make with or for your beau. The Lo-Down is an especially great read for girls between relationships ready for a new approach, but it could still be an enjoyable read if you're happily in one. Consider Lo your down-to-earth girlfriend with the advice you need to hear and a sweet shoulder to lean on.
xoxo
P.S.The Lo-Down website is currently in makeover mode, but you can pick up a copy of the book here.
I guess lately I have been thinking a lot about the less comfortable aspects of life that you must brave through in order to live your fullest, best life. One of those is speaking up when something is bothering you.
I am at a point in my life where I'm trying to learn how to make my own decisions and be independent. I've gotten a lot better at it. I'm having a lot of fun with it, too (my belly button has never been more glam-ified). I still get stuck sometimes, though. And it reminds me that sometimes when you've found yourself in a hole, it's time to stop digging and speak up before you can't be heard anymore.
I've been panicked beyond panicked about what I'm going to do next year after I graduate. I have some direction, and one idea in particular. But I've been really shaken up about it, and I finally realized how much it was affecting me below the surface. And I hadn't said anything to anyone about how I was feeling because it seemed better off to not acknowledge it and make it real. Less painful, anyway. I didn't want to talk, and then find out the things that I thought were true were really true - that there was absolutely no good solution. But once I realized how much I was struggling, I decided it couldn't hurt - it had to come out eventually, right? So I jumped in and told my dad about it. There were tears, definitely, and uncomfortable moments of silence for me where I just wanted to run. But it was a huge relief. Like maybe everything really will be okay. I'll be okay. My future will be bright. And I have help.
So many girls that I get to chat with online at work (which I seem to be able to brag about forever, but I will hold back for now) write in to us with big problems, or even if not "big," at least important ones that really would be best discussed with someone who knows them, face-to-face. A lot of the girls seem to understand that's what they "should" do, but often they have reasons why they feel like they can't. And that's understandable. I know people find themselves in lives I can't even imagine, where they really don't at the moment have anyone they can trust. But for the most part, I think it's just that the idea of talking about something uncomfortable or embarrassing seems too difficult, especially if it's not something you usually do. But it can be so worth it.
If I could go back in time and change one thing about my life, I would have spoken up sooner. There was a period of time in 7th grade when I was really struggling with my body, and just felt really insecure and shy. I do wonder now how my life would be different if I had reached out for help. But it's nobody's fault. I don't even really blame myself. I was clueless to the fact that how I was feeling wasn't normal or deserved, that I could be happier. And honestly, if everything that happened makes me who I am now, and gives me the chance to stop others from getting stuck in the same problems, then it was all worth it. I'll speak up, now and forever.
And I think those two words - speak up - can make so many situations better. If you see a friend slipping into a bad sitch, say something. She might be mad, but it's better than just letting her go on that way. And speaking up is monumentally important in dating relationships. Even when you like someone and feel so in sync with them, it's not always so easy to take on their perspective. And they might not see things the way you do, either. My BFF pointed out to me that when you have "silences" in a relationship - where you are not talking about a problem - it's easy to fill in the silences with what you think they are thinking or feeling, and totally over-analyze. So say something. There's actually a very good chance that you will clear things up and see there wasn't much of a problem at all. Don't be afraid to speak up even if it's not a problem per se, just something you want or need (like, you want your bf to hold your hand, or you want more one-on-one time with your BFF). Sure, you can't always get what you want, but you deserve to be heard.
You're ultimately responsible for yourself, but sometimes that means knowing when to ask for help. And besides, your friends and family are the most important people in your life, they want to help, and they deserve to get to know and love the real you. So speak up. Now's the time.
[Photo: Taylor Swift fan? Nobody knows how to "Speak Now" like the country chica.]
There's a saying that "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" (Alfred, Lord Tennyson said it first). I always thought that was a dumb thing to say (especially to someone who's just suffered a love-loss, which I imagine the first person to hear it was). In my mind, it's not far from saying "Tis better to have gambled your money away in Vegas than never to have gone on vacation at all." Well, okay. I guess. If you say so.
But having recently been on the losing side of "All's fair in love and war" (another don't-even-get-me-started phrase), I can see how maybe 'tis better. Not so much that the good times are worth the pain. It's hard, at least sitting in-the-moment with sadness, to feel like they were. But - I don't know. Somehow the world, your world, is a little different after. Shaken, and that's a good thing.
For one, there's a certain amount of energy and emotion, leftover post-love, which has to be channeled somewhere. Of course, it can be used destructively. Definitely. Many people seem to chide the Ben & Jerry's break-up cure. Surely it's not enough, but I don't actually think it's that bad. Eventually you'll be hungry for something more, maybe something beautiful (Where would we be if Drew had not walked right on by Taylor Swift? Sorely living in a world without "Teardrops on My Guitar"). You can run, you can paint - I write. It can even be something a little more surface-level - cleaning your room, going makeover-crazy. It's not everything, but it's something. Your world becomes a little shiny and new.
Also, cheesy as it sounds, falling in love can remind you of the possibilities and potential that life holds, sometimes when you don't see it coming. And sure, nobody wants to be the girl who completely depends on others to be okay with herself, but I think love can bring into focus why you love yourself. "I love you for the part of me that you bring out." Roy Croft said that. I, for one, am a sassy little firework. I remember that now. And that's something I don't ever have to give back.
That's not to say that heartbreak is all-powerful, or it leaves you perfect and indestructible. At least form where I stand now, I'm more aware of the weaknesses I have. Like, There you go, chicky, wanting the wrong things at the wrong time. Or is it the right things at the wrong time? A little obsessive, a little unstable, unpractical and too emotional. And maybe definitely still hurting, long past what I'm comfortable with.
But no matter how big the pain, how obvious your flaws - well, there you have it. You're here, you survived. You're okay.
There she is. That Girl. She's drop-dead gorgeous, and she has a wardrobe you'd be equally willing to die for. Or maybe it's not so much a physical thing. Maybe she's got a way of working a crowd, or straight-A's you just can't quite ever spell out. But you're pretty sure she's got Everything (or at least, Everything You Want). Yep. You think you would almost hate her for it. Except that you never could. She's your best friend.
Whenever we talk about envy, and wanting something that someone else has, we always imagine that people will aspire to what a supermodel or somebody on TV has. And maybe sometimes, in our wildest dreams, we do. But a lot of times, the things we truly want are more real. So what happens if we become maybe a little envious of our sister, our cousin, or our BFF?
If we were talking about a celebrity or even a girl at school we don't know, it's easy to just shake it off and imagine that maybe she hasn't really earned all the good things she's got, that it's just not fair. But when it's a person you love, it just feels horrible. You know they should have great things. Why can't you just be happy for them? What's wrong with you, anyway?
The one thing I've figured is this: it just doesn't help. Being envious, wanting what someone else has, doesn't not make you a bad person. Not at all. But it will never make you feel very good, or even help get you where you want to be (because believe it or not, feeling bad doesn't make us work any harder). Most of all, it will make it harder for you to feel good for that person and enjoy them like you deserve. Because both of you deserve that.
So try, try, try to remember that when you are in the envy zone. Because really, there are no comparisons. We're all different, and we all have different things at different times. But we really are all Fab Gals. I really believe that. You've just got to remember that you'll get where you want to be. You'll just have to do it your own way. xoxo
So you know those nights... it's a Saturday, and pretty much everyone is O-U-T. But you? You're sitting at home, wondering what to do. And maybe thinking that you'd give anything to have better plans right now. And also maybe that you must be a complete and total loser to be sitting at home on a Saturday.
Well, I'll confess - that's where I am at right now. Me and my BFF, actually. And as much as I love to hang with her, for a second there I was thinking, Wait, why are we here right now, a Saturday night with nothing to do? What is wrong with us?
And I think you have a few options on a night like this: you can totally freak out about why you don't have a date/party/whatever to go. Or you can just... enjoy it. Because, and I am absolutely sure of this, you are not the only one to ever get the Saturday Night Blues. It's just one of those things that happens, like colds or bad hair days. Except that it can actually be a good thing. Believe it or not, it can be actually kind of wonderful to have some time to do whatever you want. It doesn't happen all the time in your crazy-busy life, so why not enjoy it?
So I am reading a magazine, putting on a face mask, and eating pickles. Because that's what I want to do. I'll save my cute dress for another wonderful Saturday.
Okay, so maybe I can't tell you which guys are the good guys and which ones are the bad boys, or if it even matters anyway. But I do know this much: When it comes to break-ups, they always hurt, no matter what kind of guy it is. You've probably heard lots of heartbreak remedies: double chocolate-chocolate chip ice cream, burning the memories, GNOs, and lots of tears. All of those things might work for a bit. But I want to give you a few new ideas, that just might get you through a little bit easier... and maybe with a few less regrets.
Let the Music Play. Music has amazing powers. Maybe even more so than chocolate. You can always find a song that fits what you're feeling. It's an amazing thing to hear Taylor (or Miley or Ashley or whoever you love) sing your heart out. So find some tunes, close the door, and just listen.
Keep Your Distance. After a big breakup or nasty fight, you can be fuming with things to say to that nasty so-and-so. But before you hit "send" or go banging down his door, wait. It probably won't help, and you need to give both of you a chance to clear your head. So hold onto those thoughts for a week. Then you'll know what you really want to say.
Put Out the Fire. You've heard "Picture to Burn," right? Well, that can sound like a totally awesome and rebellious way to get him out of your system, fast. Pictures, lovey-dovey notes, his old sweatshirt... you want it all gone, and fast. But please, do this for me: hold onto a couple of those souvenirs. Someday, way, way down the road, you just might miss having a few memories from that someone who once meant a lot.
Do it Your Way. Everyone has their own way of dealing with tough stuff. Some people like to journal, write songs, run, talk with friends, or spend some time alone. Or maybe even all of the above. Whatever works for you, do it. Give yourself time (and permission) to scream, cry, think and feel whatever you need to feel. It really will help you move on in the end.
And, like always, Love Yourself. Break-ups suck. But don't ever beat yourself up for it, no matter what anyone says or does. Be thankful for the experience. When you're ready, life will move on with you. No matter how broken up you feel now, it really will be alright.
I mean, come on, you're a Fab Gal!
So, FGs, I want to know - how do you deal with break-ups? What advice would you give to a friend going through one? Leave a comment to share your FG tips!
So I was reading this interview with Robert Pattinson about Twilight and dating, and he said this: "With virtually anyone, the nice guys always seem to finish last." He also said that if Edward was a real person, he'd probably be like an axe murderer or something (?!?). Now, while that last statement is certainly a cause for question, I'm not even gonna go there.
But then, I was watching the new episode of "10 Things I Hate About You" (my new fave!) and Bianca was once again totally clueless as to how much Cameron, her nice-guy BGF is in love with her, while she has to resist the charm of the dumb, wannabe-model football player. And I was thinking, Oh Bianca, if you only knew! Girls would be all over Cameron. You know, if he was a real person. But then I thought, maybe not. Maybe R. Pattz is right. Could it be true that, when it comes to dating, nice guys lose out?
I would hate to think that that's true. I mean, considering so many girls worry that guys pass up good girls for superficial reasons, it would totally suck to think that we almost do the same thing. I mean, bad boys and flirty fellas are fun, for sure. But girls are smart enough to know what's right?
So I don't know if it's really true or not. Maybe it is sometimes. I think we girls like who we like, and sometimes it's a this type of guy and sometimes it's someone else. But the most important thing is this: Know when a guy isn't nice enough (aka treats you right) to be worth your time. Because there is someone out there who will treat you right. Whether he fits the "nice guy" bill or not.
I just finished a fabulous book, How to Be Popular, by Meg Cabot (my fave author!). Basically, it was about a girl named Steph, who had always been on the outside (along with her BFFs). Then she finds a book on, you guessed it, how to be popular. Suddenly, she's got an in with the A-crowd. She has everything she ever wanted... until she realizes that maybe it's not what she wanted at all.
Is it so bad to want to be popular? It's not bad to want people to like us, right? I do know for sure there was a time when I would have done anything for a book like the one Steph finds. You know, if it would really work out like that. It's not like I didn't like the friends I had. I just thought my life would be that much better if I was the girl that everyone loved, that everyone wanted to be friends with.
Popularity is a tricky thing. Sometimes it seems like, "Oh, if I just had the right outfit/got invited to the right party/say the right thing, then I will be popular." Maybe it's like that. Or maybe it's just luck. But whatever way you get it, it can go away just as fast. And sometimes, the thing you think will make you happy, was not what you imagined at all. What is really worthwhile is finding those friends that actually will be there for you, no matter what. Whether they are popular or not, it doesn't really matter. But finding people you love to be with, that's what's really gonna make you smile.
A new school year is coming quick. And maybe this year can be your year. No, not your year to be the most popular chica in school. But the year to try new things, make real friends, and figure out you. I can't guarantee everyone will love you, but if you can stop worrying about everyone else, you will definitely love you. For sure.
When you're in a sitch with a bully or a whole crew of Mean Girls, it's hard to know what to do or how to react. You might think about fighting back, winning 'em over, or running for the hills. But the best thing to do? Keep a cool head, as best as you can, and follow these FG rules:
Know Your True Friends - Not everyone will be a good friend to you. That's just reality. A real friend wouldn't make fun of your looks, spread rumors about you, make plans and purposely disinvite you, or do anything to hurt you on purpose. It's better to just let them go. Even if you know of just one real BFF, it's better than having a whole crew of people who don't really have your back.
Speak Up - If you're dealing with lotsa negativity on a daily basis, let somebody know what you're going through. You don't need to feel like a "tattle." But just finding someone outside of all the drama - an older sib, mom, a teacher - will at least give you someone to vent to, and you'll know you're not alone. They may even have some good ideas for how to deal.
Don't Bite Back - It doesn't matter who started it. It doesn't matter if she's just pure evil behind blonde hair and a Juicy Couture tracksuit. It's so not worth damaging your own rep. Fight fire with fire, and you're gonna get hurt.
Keep Your Chin Up - Demi had her acting, and Taylor had songwriting. Finding something you like to do as a healthy way to let out your emotions and lift your spirits will help you stay strong. Being picked can make you feel really icky, and in the moment of it, you feel like there must be something wrong with you. There's not. Don't let them bring you down. You are good enough.
Say "I'm Sorry" - If you have been gossiping or teasing, think about if you've maybe taken it a little too far. It may be having a bigger impact on people than you think. It doesn't mean you're a horrible, terrible person. You are in control of how you treat people, and you have the ability to turn things around.
When someone says "bully," it makes you picture some dude big biceps, standing in the corner of the playground, ready to pummel the little guys for their pudding. But here in the real girl world, bullies are a little harder to identify from the outside. That's what you see in the cartoons, anyway. However, they do exist, and even without major muscle power, they can cause some serious damage.
Bullying can mean physical harm, like pushing or punching, but it can also look a little differently. Spreading rumors, kicking someone out of the group, nasty text messages. The worst part is that it doesn't often people think it's "normal" teen behavior. In fact, the girls getting picked on usually blame themselves. They become sure that it was their fault, that maybe if they were prettier/cooler/smarter/more perfect, this wouldn't be happening to them.
Would you believe that Demi Lovato was bullied? It's true. In fact, it went all the way from teasing to a nasty "We hate Demi" campaign by kids at her school. Like a lot of girls in that sitch, she began to blame herself. "Everyone was saying it's jealously, and blah, blah," Demi said. "The worst part is, I didn't believe it because I didn't think I was worthy of someone being jealous of me. Looking back, that must have been it. But I always pinned it on myself and said there must have been something I did wrong."
This kind of girl bullying can be common, and it can take many forms. It can also be way damaging. It can make you feel worthless, and really stick with you a long time. But let me tell you a little story about a girl named Taylor. At school, she was ditched by her crew, who went on to teasing her and her love of country music. She was absolutely miserable. But one day, miss Taylor Swift became a star. At one of her concerts, those former friends "showed up, wearing my T-shirts and asking me to sign their CDs. It was bittersweet, because it made me realize that they didn't remember being mean to me and that I needed to forget about it, too."
When you're in the moment of it, bullying can really get under your skin and make you question yourself. It can feel like the end of your world. But it's so not. That's why I love T & D's stories, because it's absolute proof that this isn't the end. Not for you.
So let's call this the FG Anti-Bullying week. Or maybe Pro-Friend week? Because, whether you've been a victim or even a bully yourself, we can get past it.
Now that summer is here, I've been indulging in some of my faves - shopping, laying in the sun, and of course, reading. My latest guilty pleasure: the Twilight series. If you've seen the movie, I promise, the books are even better (Edward Cullen is twice as gorgeous in my head). Anyways, not to give too much away, but I got to a high-drama point in the book: Bella comes to a crossroads, and even though she knows she made the right choice, she realizes her heart is really in two totally separate places. And it made me wonder, Is it possible that your heart never really lets go?
When I was little, I believed in The One. Mr. Right. A Prince Charming so perfect that he could make you forget every heartbreak, bad date, and all the crushes in-between. I thought you were given one true love, one soulmate. It might be possible. But the real world of dating, of love - it's all a little bit more complicated, I think. Sometimes we meet a few maybe-someday-Mr. Rights, and have to make some choices. Sometimes things just don't work out. And sometimes we do find Great Love, only to finish with a not-so-happy ending.
I so often hear people give advice to someone who has just gone through heartbreak like: "Time heals all wounds" or "You'll get over it soon enough" or even "Just forget him, already!" However, I've also learned that this advice is not only a bit of an extra burn, but it might not even be true at all. Maybe we never really have to "get over" someone, completely. Maybe there's no need to dump out every feeling we have for that person with their old sweatshirts and burned photographs. Maybe our hearts aren't made of limited-space-only. Maybe it's okay to leave that space, the memories, the love, and of course, the lessons, right where they are. Not erase it, but just see it for what it is. And maybe we can then trust once we get there, we'll know when we've found that one who deserves not only one place in our heart, but in our thoughts, our lives, and our hand.
Put Down the Duck Tape, Back Away From the Cell Phone
Hey Fab Gals!
Being a teenager, you get faced with a lot of difficult communication situations. Speaking to someone in a language you're just learning - difficult. Winning an argument with your parents - pretty hard. But getting a boy to understand you? Ouch. I think we have a winner. It's so strange. Even though girls are getting more chances to play with the big boys, it seems like we still reign from completely different universes.
T had broken up with her boyfriend. They left it open-ended, in that let's-be-friends-and-maybe-something-more-someday stage (dangerous territory, if you ask me). T tried to manage a friendly relationship, but her ex kept telling her that they shouldn't see each other at all. "What can I do?" she asked. "He's not listening to me!" She kept trying different ways of saying the same thing. And so did he. Things kept on a plane, but they both got more and more frustrated.
Of course, as she pointed out, there were options. She could spend hours crafting the perfect novel of a text message to say exactly what would make him understand that she wanted to be with him. Or, she could get her guy friend to duck tape him to a tree, so she could scream at him till she had enough. Both would be extreme (obviously) - but probably not effective.
See, I think of it like sunglasses. Everyone sees, or hears, things through their own filters. It's not just a boy-girl thing. I think that's what happens when people argue. We get so set on what we see or hear from someone that we don't exactly listen. Unfortunately, you can't force any boy (or any person) to see, hear, listen to, or understand you. At some point, it's probably best to just walk away. I promise, there's some Prince Charming out there dying to hang on your every word.
So I think today's blog is going to be kinda short and sweet. But I realized something today, and I think it is the most simple thing you can do to show kindness: Make someone a priority.
Life moves fast, and we all want to keep up with it. Food, music, cars - it's all fast. And that's not all bad. But sometimes, when we're in a hurry to get everywhere and know everyone, we don't pay attention to the things, or more importantly - the people, that are right around us.
So I think one of the best things you can do for someone is to just be there. Like, really be there. Really listen. Make whoever your with your priority in that moment. It will make them feel special. And how fabulous will that make you feel? Pretty fab, I bet.
I went and saw He's Just Not That Into You just about a week before Valentine's Day. And after seeing it, I was curious about the book, so I checked it out. Now, the guy giving the advice in this book is very straightforward. Blunt. Maybe even a little rigid. I mean, after each girl's story about her guy dilemma he says the very same thing: You shouldn't lower your standards. Don't take any "excuse." Don't wait around for him. Why? He's just not that into you.
But as I was reading it, I thought, Okay, now that's got to be a little extreme. I mean, aren't girls allowed to be bold, ask the guy out? Isn't it a good thing to be patient? Hey, I've done those things before. And I certainly didn't think I was lowering my standards. Then again...none of those things really worked out.
And today, I got this weird text from a guy I kinda liked at the beginning of the year. It was a little mean. Well, at least I felt bad when I read it. At first I thought, What's so wrong with me that I attract guys like this? Then I started to feel guilty, like maybe I really had done something wrong, and this is my fault, I really should have been more sensitive.
Woah, girl. That's where I stopped and realized what Greg (that's the author) was talking about. I deserve better. I do not deserve to be made to feel bad or guilty or like I'm the one with the problem. Where does he think a relationship would go from that? So, I don't know, I really wouldn't call myself the relationship expert. But I guess I just think you always need to go with that gut check, and remember that if you feel wrong, that's probably not how it's supposed to go. Relationships are for boosting you up. So "He's just not that into you"? Honey, please. Try "I'm just not that into him."
When did Valentine's Day stop being fun? Sometime after passing out candy valentines to classmates, it seems like people really don't like this holiday very much. If you do have a bf, then you have to figure out a gift. And if you don't? It's taken as a bad reminder that you're single.
Usually, I would say that's silly. We all have love in our lives, in some way our another. But even I was feeling the grudge this year. I fell into the single-girls trap of this holiday, thinking that since no boy will be sending me chocolates or roses that I'm obviously worthless in some way.
But as I was making little cards for my friends, I opened one of those Dove chocolates with the messages inside. It said - "Be your own Valentine." And I thought, Hey, thank you very much! It's cheesy, but it was exactly what I needed to hear, now more than ever. I got so caught up, thinking like everyone else that it's bad to be single, that I forgot my #1 relationship rule: You need to love yourself, first.
So I'm thinking now my V-day plans are gonna go something like this: Get up. Goof off with my girls. Go sledding. Catch up on The Bachelor. Start that journal I've been meaning to get around to. Remember what I would really like in a relationship, besides just having one. And for the first time, in a long time, just appreciate how I am, right now.
So wherever, however, and with whomever you celebrate this year - respect yourself and what makes you so lovely. When you give yourself love, it's a whole lot easier to share it.
You know, I've been told before how much people's attitudes can affect you. Surround yourself with positive people, they say. And I always though, yeah, I guess that makes sense, but how does it really work out? And I think now I really get it.
See, I have a friend who is very. . . strongly opinionated. She has absolutely no problem telling anyone how she feels. But one day, she was going on and on about a fight she had, and she kept telling me how stupid and mean the other girl was. I was trying to just listen, but I seriously was about to snap. Later that night, I coudn't help but complain to another friend about how much that attitude was drove me crazy. I was continuing the cycle.
Then, on the flipside, I got a really nice e-mail from a friend telling me what a great job I did on a something I wrote. It made me feel so good, I e-mailed another classmate offering to help her on her project. Then, I was sent a note from another friend, talking about what a wonderful week she was having, me being a part of it, and I thought, Goodness, that makes me feel so great! How can I share that feeling with someone else?
So that's how I think it works - positivity, negativity - it's like a chain reaction. Like when you find good music or good food and you can't help but share it with someone else. And I'm sure it's a good thing to try to surround yourself with positive people. But one place to start is to see how you can be that positive person and share it, even in a small way.
Be honest: Do you ever try to pretend like you aren't really that much like your family? I know I try to do that sometimes. I love them, but... they can be a little crazy. I think at times we like to pretend that they don't affect us, or that maybe we're just to cool one who was really adopted, and actually belongs to the genes of some rock star.
But at the end of the day, it's amazing how much they can shape who we are. Like, I was talking to this group of girls about their body struggles, and I was amazed how often they mentioned how their family somehow changed the process of it - either (unintentionally) starting it, or thankfully, being the ones who set them on the right path. And then I was reading up on it, and the experts say it's true. Sometimes family "rules" (like the ones I mentioned the other day) can set you off on the wrong path. And at the same rate, especially when you're young, your family is a necessary part of making positive changes.
And I'll admit that at first, this info didn't sit with me. I mean, I'm still really young. But what if I want to have kids one day? Will my problems mess them up? And what does this all mean about my family right now? But here's the reality check: Life isn't perfect, and your family may not be a happy Brady Bunch clan. But there is one very important factor in the equation that can affect change - that's you. Being aware of your own abilities, issues, and needs will help. Being a positive role model - for your cousins, sisters, or even parents 0 might just be the change. And being open and honest could be just what you all need.
What are your family relationships like? What are some "rules" that haven't been working? How has your family affected you in a positive way (or you to them)? Leave a comment to let me know!
