"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe
Okay, so I know that this is (usually) an all-girl zone. But today we are going to talk about boys. Just for a bit. Because you know what? They might be a bit more like us than I thought.
Whenever people talk about eating disorders, they talk about girls. And it's certainly true that the majority of people with known eating disorders are girls. But you know, as I learned today, boys deal with body drama too. Just... in a different way. Of course, boys don't get pressure to be stick-thin the way girls do. But more and more, guys feel like they have to be muscular, built, lean-mean-fighting-machines. They may not count calories or run for miles like a girl - instead, they might center their days around protein-packed meals and countless hours weight-lifting at the gym. Either way, it can become an unhealthy obsession. The other difference is that they might not get chances to talk about these struggles the way girls do, or even really understand what their struggles are. What boy wants to admit to having a "girl" disease? That sounds worse than cooties.
The reason I thought this was important was because it made me realize this: girl or boy, eating disorder or no, we are all people. We are all unique, but in some ways we can be so similar. And recognizing that can make it easier for everyone to get the support they need.
I was reminded yesterday how fast life can change, or at least life as we see it. My best friend B's mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. Of course I can in no way speak for how she felt in that moment. Or her mom, or her family. But I know for me, it felt like there was this huge shift in the room, in the world. What would be different now? How would this change things for them?
And I realized today, seeing her mom smiling and talking to B and playing with their puppy, that if you've been living your life right, challenges and obstacles don't have to change anything. Like a real strong tree in a storm - it may lose a few leaves or twigs in a storm, but its roots are strong enough that it doesn't fall.
You know, in the movies you always see those characters who face something big and either crash or come out like a completely new person because of it. Suddenly they go from being a miser to being the most charitable person ever, or they learn to see the world in a magically different way. But I don't know if big change is necessary. Maybe the best goal is simple -stay whole and stay true to yourself (and those you love). And maybe if you do, you will come out just a little bit stronger and a little bit wiser because of it. And that's enough.
So what about you, FGs? I'd love to know - how have you faced big challenges in the past? What did you learn? Who do you admire that faced big obstacles in the past? Leave a comment to let me know!
Let me paint a picture for you: You're standing in front of the mirror, wearing an outfit you've never worn before. But this time, you think you see something you've never noticed before - the way your stomach sticks out, or maybe how wide your hips seem. You start to worry what's happening to your body. A bunch of excuses and reasons come into your mind - you haven't been working out enough, you had too much junk food on spring break. Then those excuses lead to Hmm, maybe I should go on a diet?...
Have you been in this place before? I know I have. And I've decided that the excuses are the red flag that you're heading down a dangerous path. When you hear yourself saying, "Oh, it's because I ate that pizza" or something like that, hold on. Back up. I think it makes so much sense when we are in that moment, but you have to realize the farther you go picking apart your body, the farther you are letting yourself move away from accepting yourself. That's not where you want to go.
So don't let yourself make any excuses. you don't need 'em. Next time you hear one, backtrack and remind yourself that you are too busy, fabulous, and beautiful to listen to such nonsense.
Who are you? If someone asked you that, could you answer? Sure, there's the obvious answers: Sister. Friend. Blonde. Lefty. Check. Check. Double-Check. (For me, anyway). But anyone can figure that out. There's got to be more to that answer. So how do you begin to answer it?
The truth is, I'm not really sure. But I guess the only place to start is to try. And hey, the more you need the figure out, the more that there is to explore.
I think of it like my closet -there's all these pieces from times when I was trying out something different. There's the Taylor-Swift-inspired skirt. Then there's the sparkly gold-and-pink tank top I bought to look like Sharpay from HSM. And then there's the Audrey Hepburn dress that matched with my Miley Cyrus/Demi Lovato hair. In fact, now that I think about it, much of my closet has been based off of trying to look like someone else, a sweet and pretty face in a magazine. Woah.
And that's not the worst thing ever. I mean, we are allowed to have people we admire, and it's cool to borrow or learn things from other people. But following in their footsteps can be like putting a placeholder on who you want to be. It's fine, and it may even be nice and easy, but don't you really want to take off the training wheels and ride for yourself? You can. But you have to make that choice and go for it. All by yourself.
Okay, so I had this weird dream last week. Twice. It was one of those really freaky-deaky ones: I was at school, walking with a group of people, and all of a sudden my legs started to feel really heavy, and I could barely walk. I started falling behind, till I literally fell to the ground, crawling to keep up with everyone. Then I woke up.
And it really bugged me that I had this dream not once, but two times. It kinda haunted me. I mean, logically, it's not a big deal. My legs are working fine. But I knew that wasn't really what it was about. Lately, I've been scared that things really are falling apart. And I was scared that somehow, in some way, my dream would come true.
That stuck with me until I realized I was forgetting one important detail: when my legs stopped working, I kept trying to move forward. Even after I was crawling on the ground. Even when I thought I was being left behind. Of course, I know that my problems might not be as great as not being able to walk. But still. I feel better remembering that even in my dreams, I do have that power to keep moving forward. It's kind of like that Miley Cyrus song - It's all about The Climb. Or in my case, The Crawl.
But what about you, FG? Where do your dreams take you? Feel free to share in a comment (see the instructions on the side). And as always, I am available at The Fab Gal Myspace or by e-mail at fabgalsite@gmail.com.
In case you don't know, Meghan is the daughter of John McCain, a former candidate for president. After speaking out about her opinion on some political issues in the Republican Party, another woman, Laura Ingraham, snapped back, including some comments about Meghan's weight. But that just seemed so... icky. I guess we come to expect that kind of talk about celebrities, but it seems like when grown-up women are talking politics, it is so strange.
I think it just highlights how desensitized "fat talk" becomes, like anyone's weight is fair game. It gets to the place where we make being skinny equal to being beautiful, popular, or smart. And that's not good. I think it's even harder, when you're just a regular girl, and you see women who are rich, talented, smart, and on top of all that, gorgeous, getting torn down for their weight.
Anyways, where am I going with all of this? Well, I guess what I wanted to say is that I don't like where this story shows we might be going. And I'm guessing I'm not the only one. And the only place to start is with yourself. Learn to accept and take care of your own beauty, body, and soul. That's the only way we can become more aware - positivity is infectious. It's time we step up and be the FGs we know we are. Because we are all worth it.
You know, I tend to think that I am always right. More than I will admit. More than I even realize myself, probably. I think I also know pretty darn well how it is to let your heart and your feelings lead and your logic follow. That's just how I am.
But I realized something today for the first time. Your feelings aren't always an accurate picture of how things are. Feeling confused doesn't mean that things are going wrong. Feeling worried doesn't mean that you have problems. And feeling bad doesn't mean that you are. Sometimes feelings are just that - how you are seeing the situation, not how it really is.
Of course, there are times when things happen that make us feel badly, and in those cases we need to speak up and do something about it. But other times, we have to recognize that our feelings might not match at all. And then we either need to accept them for what they are, or find some healthy way to deal with them - talking, journaling, drawing, anything. Sure, that acceptance doesn't come easily, but in the long run, it will save you over a band-aid solution to "fix" something that isn't really a problem - like trying to lose weight or become someone else.
If you need help, find someone close to you. Sometimes having a second perspective is all you need for a double-check on where your feelings are headed.
So I have a confession to make: as much as I'd like to say I always follow my own advice, it doesn't quite always happen that way. I sure can talk, but walking that out? Not so easy. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I even know what I'm talking about.
Lately, I've been testing myself out on one of my favorite pieces of advice: intuitive eating, or listening to my body to decide what it needs. I never realized how much I don't do that, and how much I still follow all the "rules" I have about when, where, and what to eat. So at first, following my own advice wasn't as easy as I hoped.
But you know what? I am incredibly glad I did it. Because I realized I can do it, it's just a matter of actually trying, taking the first step. Not only have I gotten much better at trusting my "gut" (get it?), I learned that maybe I should listen to my own voice more often, because maybe I do know something.
And my point isn't that my own advice is so fabulous, so you should listen to all of it. But maybe your own advice, your own voice is worth taking in every once and a while. Give a try.
So you know how I am - I always get a kick out of crazy new experiences. Well, yesterday brought me one: going to my first Alcoholics Anonymous meeting. Not for me, but for a school project. And this experience? One of my best yet.
I'll be honest - I think going into it I had this picture in my mind of what alcoholics are like, and maybe not a pretty one at that. I think that happens a lot though, for things we don't know much about. But hey, the only way we learn is by jumping in, no?
Each person stood up and said, "Hey, I'm so-and-so, and I'm an alcoholic." That part was just like the movie in my head. But the rest? The rest was so real. Everyone talked about struggling with themselves, and using some harmful solutions that didn't work out too well, and continuing to fight and struggle until they could just accept it. There it is - acceptance. That oh-so-difficult simple solution for all of us movers and shakers out here.
You know, I really do think so many of us struggle with that. And now I've seen it. Believe me - every person in the room was so different from the next, and so different from me. But we were all just at different places in the same journey - the journey to just being okay, to not feeling the need to change who we are or hurt ourselves or lash out. To just be able to live and love it. Why is that so hard? We all deserve it. And a few people sitting in the room, they'd found it. And me? Well, I'm going to keep looking for the answers. For you. For me. Because, FG, we deserve it.
Do you ever have those days where you feel so un-fabulous about yourself? You look in the mirror and think, Ugh, my legs look so fat, I can't wear this skirt. You get to school and try to get your crush to notice you, but then you figure He's not interested in a girl like me, what am I thinking? Then by the end of the day, it's just I'm such a loser, I should just stop trying.
We all have days, moments, or even weeks like this. It's no picnic. But believe it or not, these moments are all in your hands. It's all a matter of being a better friend - to yourself.
Think about it: If a friend looked at you and said, "I am so fat! I should never wear a dress like this," what would you say? "Oh you're right. You're too fat, that's the problem. You should feel really bad about yourself right now." Of course not. It wouldn't even cross your mind, because A) that's not very helpful and B) it doesn't even make any sense. For some reason though, we learn to think that it's best to talk ourselves down - maybe to save from heartbreak or disappointment, or maybe because we don't realize how wonderful we are. But I believe that that kind of thinking causes a lot more problems than good.
The next time you catch yourself in one of those days, think about what you would say to a friend. "Honey, you look beautiful no matter what you wear. So if today is more of a sweatpants day, then wear what works for you." Treat yourself like the fabulous chica I know you are.
I think that everyone at some time has looked in the mirror and said to themselves, "Oh, I look so gross today," or maybe groaned to a friend, "I feel fat!" Okay, maybe not everyone, at least I hope not, but it does seem to be pretty common. I remember once hearing it referred to as another language - of fat talk. And if you think about it, that makes a lot of sense. There's all kinds of languages - gossip, diet talk. And it's so easy to pick up on - especially on the news and TV, these are hot topics. Is that really a problem? Maybe not. Until it becomes a way of speaking, not just a passing idea.
You see, sometimes these things that we say are just one way of saying something else. Fat is not actually a feeling. So I hear. I know that can seem hard to believe -like, No, but I really really do feel fat. But that's just what you think in translation.
So how do you make the switch? It's starts with just being aware, and thinking, Okay, what's really the sitch? Because focusing on dieting or weight or looks as a solution only makes sense when you think that you are feeling "fat" or "ugly." But what if you were really feeling sad, scared, worried, or worthless? Well, then you would probably have to find another solution, beyond dieting. But of course, that just does not seem as easy sometimes.
Switching from diet talk, fat talk, gossip talk, or any other type of harmful talk is hard, especially when you've become a native speaker. I know. Moving to a place of appreciating yourself and listening to what you would actually say if you weren't saying it in those ways is difficult. But it's a trip worth making.
Have you seen the videos from the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty? Well, you should! I especially love this one, so I wanted to share it with you. It's called "Evolution."
Isn't that crazy? I don't know, I guess I just had no idea that models don't even look like the girls we see in magazines - it's not even real. It makes you rethink the way you see those images - and they way you see beauty. . If you want to check out some more of the Dove films, click over to their website. "Onslaught" and "Amy" are really good too!
