"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe
This year, I've had an amazing opportunity to give advice to girls all over the country through one of my fave websites. It's kind of glamorous, like being an advice columnist, although I haven't been published in a magazine (at least, not yet anyway!). Me, working at warp speed to rescue girls from friend/boy/body/beauty crises, one by one. Okay, that's a bit of a stretch. I definitely don't have perfect answers to all the Q's I get, but I do the best I can. Still, being the go-to girl for problem solving has taught me that there is a big difference between giving advice, and being able to follow your own.
My life, although completely Fab, doesn't always feel that way. Even when things are going great, there's usually still something I want to fix. I probably worry too much. I often feel like the girls who write in - I've got a problem, and I would like to be given a clear road map for getting out of it. Thankfully, I've got a team of rescue workers myself for when I get stuck. But recently, one of them pointed out that maybe the trouble isn't that I don't know what to do, but that I don't follow the helpful advice I would give to someone else.
I think this happens to a lot of us FGs. If a sister, BFF, or cousin were in a tough sitch, we could see a simple solution to get her out of it. What's more, we would be supportive, and really believe that she could get through. But we often make ourselves the exception. Especially if we're feeling stressed or not very confident, we don't always treat ourselves as nicely as we would a friend in trouble. Being in the middle of it, and having our thoughts and emotions all over the place, can make it extra hard. Instead of advice and support, we might give ourselves extra stress and worry, or even beat ourselves up for having a problem in the first place. We may not mean to do it. But being negative or harsh doesn't solve any problems - usually, it just adds to them.
So next time you need some advice, try to think of what you would say to someone you really care about. Instead of being critical or mean, try to give yourself the support you would to a BFF. Even if you can't come up with all the answers right away, just trusting that you can handle any sitch is a great start. But hey, that's just my advice.
Yep, we've all been there. Sometimes it's because of a break-up, or drama with friends, or stress from school, family, and everything else you've got going on. Or sometimes, there might not really be a reason at all. And when you do have a bad day, it can make you feel like crawling into a hole and just giving up. But bad days are really when you need to take care of yourself the most. Here are some FG-approved tips for getting through:
Find TheOne. No, I'm not talking about searching for Mr. Right (although that certainly would help, wouldn't it?). I'm talking about the one person you can come to when you're facing a challenge or just feeling down. It can be anybody you trust - a sister, parent, teacher, BFF or school counselor. But having even just one person that you can turn to when you're feeling down can make a big difference.
Do something... When it feels like everything in your day has gone wrong, it's like the only thing you want to do is slide into bed and hide under the covers. But doing something active that you enjoy - be that jogging, baking, sewing, or even going for a walk around the mall - keeps your body and mind occupied. Also, talking on a small challenge, like cleaning up your room or working on a project, reminds you that you really can do anything.
...then do nothing. When you're feeling down, you really need a little pick-me-up. Find something that you love to do - reading magazines, listening to music, writing in your journal, taking a bubble bath - and do it. No questions asked.
Remember the positives... This one is the hardest for me (but probably also the most important). Bad days often end up feeling way worse when we spend time thinking about things that went wrong, like a fight with a friend. But even if everything went completely wrong that day, there are other positives - things you are grateful for, challenges you've overcome in the past, and things you're looking forward to. Try to take a minute to delight in those things.
...and that you're not alone. Thankfully, there are many happy and successful Fab Gals out there that have lived through a bad day (or week or month) and come through, maybe even stronger than before. And for any one person who's brought you down in a day, there really are many more who want the best for you. Including your fellow FGs. So hang in there, baby.
You know, people always say that weaknesses are the hardest thing to admit. I don't think that's true. Not really. I think it's often a lot easier to admit what's wrong with you, than to own up to your positives. I think, at least sometimes, we tend to pay a lot more attention to our flaws, bad habits, whatever we don't like. We might not want to look our weaknesses straight in the face, but we can always feel them around us.
Weakness might not even be the right word for it. I don't think we're really too weak to overcome the "bad" parts of ourselves, be it nail-biting, worrying, being too loud, too loud, too quiet, bloodsucking... (okay, too much Twilight for me). Even if it's something physical. Willpower can be a pretty strong force. So can Botox.
Now, I don't want to sound like a cop-out, but, well, I'm thinking that maybe sometimes it's better to just accept your weaknesses for what they are. To own them as just proof that we are just real. Only human. I mean, I've learned that if I really push myself, not much can stop me. But still, I'm not sure today what good trying to fix everything and make myself "better" is actually getting me where I want to go anymore.
Having goals, moving forward, trying new things... it's how you grow. But a helpful part of that is focus. Knowing what's actually, like, a good goal and what's worth a "Ya know what? That's cool. That's just part of me right now." Letting it go might even make you feel more Fab than fixing it. Because you are so Fab, just as you are. Right now.
You know, I tend to think that I am always right. More than I will admit. More than I even realize myself, probably. I think I also know pretty darn well how it is to let your heart and your feelings lead and your logic follow. That's just how I am.
But I realized something today for the first time. Your feelings aren't always an accurate picture of how things are. Feeling confused doesn't mean that things are going wrong. Feeling worried doesn't mean that you have problems. And feeling bad doesn't mean that you are. Sometimes feelings are just that - how you are seeing the situation, not how it really is.
Of course, there are times when things happen that make us feel badly, and in those cases we need to speak up and do something about it. But other times, we have to recognize that our feelings might not match at all. And then we either need to accept them for what they are, or find some healthy way to deal with them - talking, journaling, drawing, anything. Sure, that acceptance doesn't come easily, but in the long run, it will save you over a band-aid solution to "fix" something that isn't really a problem - like trying to lose weight or become someone else.
If you need help, find someone close to you. Sometimes having a second perspective is all you need for a double-check on where your feelings are headed.
So I just went to see Confessions of a Shopaholic this weekend. Loved it! So cute. Most of all, I loved the main girl, Rebecca - she was so sweet, and crazy, and fashion-obsessed. . . and really bad at following her own good advice. And that made her so real.
In the movie, Rebecca is a writer who dishes out financial help that people can actually follow, while she herself is stuck in major debt. When she got caught, people thought she was just a big phony. But I don't think she was at all. In fact, I think a lot of us are like this. I think we so often know what the right answers are, and if a friend asked for our help, we could come up with a clear solution. So why can't we take our own advice?
I think maybe it's a matter of really believing in yourself. Think about if a gal pal came up and asked you if you thought she should maybe go on a diet and lose some weight. You would probably say No Way! You would probably then remind her how beautiful you think she is, and tell her she is too great to deserve to waste her time, trying to change who she is. But what about yourself? If you were feeling that way, could you look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself those things?
Or maybe it's not a matter of having faith in yourself, but just being too close - like standing too close to a painting to really see how it all works together. Maybe when we have a problem, it's time to take a step back, look in, and realize you're good enough for your own advice too.
Being on break has given me a lot of time to catch up on some TV watching. And the other day, I was enjoying The Today Show, and they had this woman on the show talking about how to find your soul mate. And it was actually really, really interesting. Now I totally understand if you don't believe in that sort of thing. That's cool. But the tips that she shared were actually really good ones, and I think they could be helpful for any kind of goal or resolution.
The first one - write out exactly what you want. If we were talking Prince Charming here, we would describe him in as much detail as possible, from his hair to his heart. When you have a goal, it's good to be really specific as well. Like, if your resolution was to do better in school, what would that look like? Maybe that would be organizing your locker, studying for tests, going in for help after school. Or if you want to take better care of yourself, what does that mean? Maybe that would be exercising three times a week, or maybe it would mean making time to relax each day. Also include how accomplishing that goal will make you feel, or how your life will be differently once you get there.
The second tip was to, quite literally, make space in your life for Mr. Right. I think this can apply too. Making space for your goals and dreams to come true sends a clear message that you are serious about making them happen. How do you do that? Well, that's really up to you. Let's say your goal is to run in a race. "Making space" could be getting all the things you need to be a successful runner, and clearing out that day in your planner. What do you want your life to be like once you complete your resolution? Leave room to fill with the changes that you want to make happen.
So even if you're not looking for the perfect guy this year, hopefully these tips will help you to make the changes you dream about. Let me know what your goals are for 2009 - and remember, I'm always here for ya!
Lately, I've had some convos with FGs about friendships - and what happens when they start to change. Some seem to last forever, but moves, different schools, and new boyfriends can sometimes put a strain on even the best of them. What's a girl to do? Here are some FG tips to make the transitions a little easier.
Keep Contact - If distance is what separates you, find time to catch up with texts (between class, of course), IM, or phone calls. Figure out a time that works for both of you to chat and swap stories. You might find that the distance gives you even more to talk about.
Get into Routine - If you two are both busy chicas, look for opportunities for BFF multi-tasking. Lunch, after-school study sessions, or Friday manicures are great ways to make time for each other without skipping a beat.
Be Honest - If you feel like your friend is leaving you in the cold for her new guy, it's okay to be honest about how you feel. No need to get nasty - just call her up and say, "Hey, I feel like I haven't gotten to see you in a while. I miss you!" That might be all you need to bring her back to your zone.
Mix it Up - If you and your friend end up at different schools with different circles of friends, find ways to share. Invite her to a pizza party with your buds, or join her for her school's basketball game. Look at it like this - you both get to meet new people and stick together at the same time. It's the best of both worlds.
Let it Be - If you feel like there's a growing space between you and your friend, or she hasn't been around for you, it's good to try to settle things out. But if none of the above solutions help, it might be best for you to just give it a (peaceful) break. If you try to push it, things could start to get messy. It hurts to feel like you're losing a friend, but letting it go will give you an opportunity to spend time with FGs who will truly have your back in the long run.
Whew. Life is pretty crazy sometimes, no? It's funny, because when I've got a lot going on in the present, I get more and more focused on the future. I think about everything that's coming up, and make all kinds of schedules and to-do lists. Okay, that's probably just me. But I think everyone does it to a degree - as if looking ahead will make you more prepared, and you won't be as frazzled as you are now. but it doesn't really help that much, does it? Living in the future just extends your worries beyond what you can control right now. A better solution - just being in the present.
I think that's a Zen-philosophy idea, the attempt to be where you are doing what you're doing, with whoever your with, right this moment. It doesn't seem like it would make that much of a difference, but it totally does. You can't change things that haven't happened, and over-thinking how something might go won't make it that way. Like right now, I keep getting distracted by what I'm going to do this weekend and who I hope to see and what I should be getting done. But there's nothing I can do about that right now.
Staying present will decrease your stress because it will make it easier for you to handle each situation (you can think more clearly when you're not distracted), and because it will make you enjoy each moment more. Think about little kids - they love to experience everything that is around them. So next time you find yourself getting worried or foggy-headed, take a deep breath and remember that you can handle each moment, just as this one, whenever it gets here.
I don't know how many of you know about "Sasha Fierce." I guess I have just been really into celebrity gossip lately. Anyways, Sasha Fierce is basically Beyonce's alter ego - the part of her that she taps into when she's performing. Apparently, the real Beyonce is more shy and reserved, so being Sasha helps her be confident and sassy when she's strutting her stuff in glamorous get-ups on stage.
I think some people's first reaction is, Wow, I didn't know Beyonce was crazy! But I definitely don't think she is. In fact, I think it's kind of a cool idea. I imagine we all have different sides to us, or at least ways we wish we could be if we weren't too shy or too scared or feeling so trapped in how we are "supposed" to act. Sometimes, it's no big deal (or maybe even better) to stay toned down or hold back in a certain situation. But it can also be really cool, and incredibly liberating to be that other side of you, let go of your reservations, and try some ting new.
FG Challenge: Next time you're feeling stuck on a problem, try walking in your Sasha shoes. Listen to those "If only..." statements, and imagine how you might be able to handle the situation differently than you usually would. If you're having trouble tapping into that other side, try envisioning what one of your heroes would do if they were standing in your flip-flops. Like, What would my mom do right now? or What would Tyra Banks say in this situation? Of course, your decision is ultimately your own, but sometimes it helps to see things from another side.
xoxo
The Fab Gal
PS - This video is totally my favorite now - Beyonce says Sasha sings this one!
ttyl. lol. jk! Texting, IM, Facebook, & Myspace. These days, technology has become a huge part of how we communicate. A much smaller part is done face to face, or even voice to voice. Don't get me wrong - I think technology is awesome. We can talk ot whoever whenever about everything and anything. But sometimes, this way of communicating can have its downfalls.
The tricky part is that a lot is lost when you aren't seeing or hearing someone speak. Body language and tone of voice give us cues about what a person means. Of course, it's hard to mix messages when the conversation is about something straightforward, like making plans for the weekend or what's on the next test. But if you're trying to deal with bigger issues via the internet or texting, it's bound to get sticky.
I've known people who use e-mails or texting to deal with conflict, because they feel like they won't be able to say what they want to say if they try to do it in person. To be honest, I've done it myself. Once, I was so mad at one of my friends because I heard that he had lied to me. I wasn't sure how I could deal with him the next morning at school, so I sent him a message saying how hurt and angry I was. I thought it was well-written enough, but we got nowhere. We both kept repeating ourselves, and nothing got resolved. Looking back, I think all of that confusion might have been avoided had we just decided to have a real talk.
While saying things out loud isn't always easy, it's usually better. It's easier to be clear about what you mean, and it will save you from misunderstandings or accidentaly stepping on someone's toes - and it's way quicker. Plus, you won't have to worry about someone clicking "forward" on a message you regret. Most of all, people will respect you for being open, even when it's difficult. That's the FG way.
"Real obstacles don't take you in circles. They can be overcome. Invented ones are like a maze." - Barbara Sher
Hey Fab Gals!
They always say that history repeats itself. And I guess I never really knew what that meant, but I'm starting to see how that works out. Some things in life truly are miracles, once-in-a-lifetime, or one-time-only. Unique occurrences happen that won't happen again. But many aspects of life, including people, work in cycles.
Often, if we do things one time, and it turns out well, we'll do them again. Like if I study for my test and I get a really good grade, I will probably study hard again the next time. This is a good kind of pattern. But sometimes, circular patterns can work to our disadvantage. For example, you might get in a habit of eating too much (or not at all) when you're sad, or you might get in a pattern of reacting really harshly to conflicts. It doesn't make sense, but for some reason, if these things that we do - to heal ourselves, make us feel better - seem like the only solution, we might do them again. And again. And like the hands of the clock, they keep on returning, and become a part of our lives.
Now, this doesn't sound good. But recognizing the circles of our lives can help us get out of problems that may be negative, harmful, or even self-destructive to ourselves. Patterns are simple, and once you can see them, you can dig a little deeper to see where the real issue is. And don't forget to appreciate all of the wonderful, beautiful cycles of life - the return of your favorite season, the school bell at the end of the day, your fave TV show. Those are the good kind of repeats.
Can you put up a good fight? Give 'em your best shot? Do you really even have to? The truth is, most of the time, you don't.
Sometimes, it really does seem like love, or life, is a battlefield. Everyone, everywhere is challenging something or someone. I heard it described like this - we live in a conflict culture, in constant states of arguments. Part of it is because, quite simply - conflict is entertaining, and it sells. It's funny to see Heidi and Lauren or America's Next Top Models caught up in a cat fight. And I guess we like to see our politicians duke it out, as if that proves that they really know what they're doing. Although it certainly doesn't help them get anything done. For the most part, that's okay - as long as it stays in the media. But if you internalize that idea, and start living battle to battle, things can get pretty difficult. It saps your energy, because everything looks like a challenge. Your sister is ruining your life, the traffic is out to get you, and everyone at school must be stupid if they don't understand your strong opinions.
I've been reading this super-awesome book, called Don't Sweat the Small Stuff for Teens, by Richard Carlson. And one of the lessons was about facing life's battles - simply put, choose wisely. Whenever a conflict arises, give it a ranking from 1-10 (Doesn't Really Matter on up to Majorly Big Deal). Anything 5 and below, let it go (and if you're unsure, assume you're ranking it too high). Like he says, practicing this technique saves your energy, because you don't waste your time on silly problems, and it makes it a lot easier for you to go after the ones you truly care about. Because your little sis borrowing your flip-flops is not that big of a deal. But what about standing up for your BFF, or taking on a personal challenge? Now those are worth fighting for.
Besides, if you're trying out for reality TV, you could probably stand to lose some drama.
How are you doing? If you're feeling a little overwhelmed, you're probably not alone. It seems like this is the busiest time of year - school is in full swing, the holiday season is quickly approaching. There's a lot going on. Sometimes, we fill up our plates really full - school, friends, family, activities, etc. Maybe more full than we can handle. Other times, maybe just one big project or issue on on your brain. When you try to handle your worries all at once, it can seem a little overwhelming. Instead of seeing the big picture, you'll just feel confused. Frazzled. Where can you even begin?
I keep hearing that Jordin Sparks song on the radio: "We live and we learn to take one step at a time, there's no need to rush." And it's so right. Just breaking down a problem into little steps - whether it's a big paper or a personal goal. You can't do it all at once, but you also shouldn't do nothing at all because you're scared to begin. Even if you can only take one little baby step. Because then you can take another. And another. Before you know it, you've walked the whole mile.
