"I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best." - Marilyn Monroe
People always talk about the "power of positive thinking," or how "seeing the world through rose-colored glasses" can change your life. I don't want to say that's not true, but... it just never seems that simple, and I never understood why.
Anyways, someone gave me this article about the ten errors of thinking, things like "mind reading" (assuming that someone thinks badly of you) or "all-or-nothing thinking" (everything is either totally perfect or a total flop). They're kind of like the roadblocks or brick walls to thinking clearly. Or maybe not blocks, but ways we tried to save ourselves - from getting disappointed, getting hurt. Or enjoying life more than we think we should.
And yesterday, I woke up with the feeling that nothing was going to go right. I had put off homework all week, and between dinner and other activities I wasn't sure I'd have time to finish and go to the movies. I was definitely being positive - positive I was going to mess things up. My day just continued on the same way. I worried about my friend not calling me back, and my outfit not being right. And homework. And boys. Everything. Life of a teenage girl, I know. But the worst part was that I kept telling myself I couldn't handle it.
Finally, I took a break, took a breath. And I looked in the mirror. And I realized, Hey, you look really beautiful today. I had been so frazzled that I didn't take the time to straighten my hair. It looked really cool, all wavy. I had never noticed that before. So that's the worst of it. I was so intent on assuming everything was wrong I missed the thing that had gone right.
That lead me to my personal FG challenge for the week - making note of the kinds of negative statements I make to myself that stop me from seeing the reality of things. Because life is messy and wavy and unpredictable. And that's beautiful.
Where do you turn when you are faced with a problem? How do you handle the challenges that life brings you? It's not something that we think about that much, since we are always on-the-go, moving forward. But I think that looking at where you are, where you've been, and how you've dealt with life in the past can help you make some positive changes.
I recently heard someone say "The definition of insanity is trying the smae solution over and over and expecting different results>" While I think those words are a little strong, I get what they're saying. You need a new approach if you want new results. But what is even more wacky, as far as I'm concerned, is looking for external solutions to internal struggles.
So often we just look to surface-level problems when things aren't going right, like The reason I don't have a boyfriend must be because I'm not pretty enough, not skinny enough. Or maybe even worse, we turn towards other people, out loud or maybe without realizing it, to see what should make us happy. Once again, playing what should be our game by another set of rules, by their values and happiness. It's like shopping at Abercrombie because all of your friends really like it, so you think it probably will make you happy too. Not to diminish their values and joys - everyone's are equally worthy and important. But the thing is, theirs might not be the same as yours.
FG Challenge: Follow your "internal compass." Become more aware of what rules and external solutions you have been living your life by that aren't working for you. It will seem difficult at first, but try to start recognize what makes you happy. Eventually you will be able to fill your life with more of those things, and you won't have room for all of the other ones.
Be honest: Do you ever try to pretend like you aren't really that much like your family? I know I try to do that sometimes. I love them, but... they can be a little crazy. I think at times we like to pretend that they don't affect us, or that maybe we're just to cool one who was really adopted, and actually belongs to the genes of some rock star.
But at the end of the day, it's amazing how much they can shape who we are. Like, I was talking to this group of girls about their body struggles, and I was amazed how often they mentioned how their family somehow changed the process of it - either (unintentionally) starting it, or thankfully, being the ones who set them on the right path. And then I was reading up on it, and the experts say it's true. Sometimes family "rules" (like the ones I mentioned the other day) can set you off on the wrong path. And at the same rate, especially when you're young, your family is a necessary part of making positive changes.
And I'll admit that at first, this info didn't sit with me. I mean, I'm still really young. But what if I want to have kids one day? Will my problems mess them up? And what does this all mean about my family right now? But here's the reality check: Life isn't perfect, and your family may not be a happy Brady Bunch clan. But there is one very important factor in the equation that can affect change - that's you. Being aware of your own abilities, issues, and needs will help. Being a positive role model - for your cousins, sisters, or even parents 0 might just be the change. And being open and honest could be just what you all need.
What are your family relationships like? What are some "rules" that haven't been working? How has your family affected you in a positive way (or you to them)? Leave a comment to let me know!
So you know what they say - you have to know the rules of the game to know how to break them. And recently, someone told me to consider what rules I am living my life by - so I can see what ones I want to reconsider. It's funny because even when it's your own life, sometimes those rules can be hard to recognize. They can run pretty deep, coming from conflicts way back and things you learned long ago.
Think about a simple one - brushing your teeth everyday. It's something I always do without too much thought. My parents taught me to do that long ago, and now it's a habit. That's a rule that does work. But there might be other ones, like "Don't say what you think if others don't agree." For whatever reason, at some time that rule might have helped you get by, so you continue to do it. If you think about it, eating disorders are based in rules that appear to "help" you, on the surface, cope with an issue.
One of my rules? "Listen to what other people tell you about you - they know what they're talking about." Sometimes, it's like I'm not really sure who I am, so it seems like if I go with what everyone else says, they must be right. But sticking to that rule would mean that I wouldn't get to be who I want. Seriously, no one should know me better than me - I'm around 24/7.
So once you start to work out your "shoulds," "musts," and "have-tos," and maybe start to see where they come from, here comes the fun part - figuring out every way you can break them. Because really? You probably don't need them as much as you think. Besides, you're more likely to win if you play the game your way.
I do love to shop. A lot. And believe me, I have gotten to do more than my share of it this weekend. Some would say it's a silly hobby, I guess. But it has taught me a thing or two about life. Like this weekend, I was at the biggest mall in the US. Usually, I would just be elated. But every time I walked into one of my favorite stores, I just felt lost. What am I even looking for? Do I want a simple gray sweater, or a turquoise party dress? Cheetah print or plaid? Stilettos or Converse?
So how do I handle this? Well, I could grab everything in my size, and try on one in every color. Or I could just quit while I'm ahead, and ditch for the food court. Maybe I'll just try to channel one of my favorite celebs - they always know what to wear. Can I just ask my shopping partners to pick something out, and go with that?
So what did I learn from this? Well, other than the fact that I take shopping pretty seriously, I guess I realized that I was feeling just as unsure and indecisive as I am in a few areas of my life right now. I suppose that's the way it is - how you're thinking, your attitude, what you're feeling about yourself - it all becomes a part of everything you do. When you're feeling confident and happy, it's all a little easier. It's true with every emotion - you carry it with you.
To me, shopping can also give you a fresh perspective on life. What do you do when you have no idea what you're looking for? Go with an honest friend, try on some things that are comfortable and some you've never tried before, and don't buy unless it's a perfect fit. Same for shoes, same for life.
It was one of those days: I was squishing my face in the mirror (sometime between tooth brushing and eyebrow plucking, I believe), deciding what new flaws had popped up. I don't know where I picked up this routine - nobody is ever that close to my face, and if they were, well, I guess they would either be kissed or slapped. Anyways, on this day I decided that one of my front teeth was longer than the other, and they were kinda a different color on the bottom.
Later that day, I went to get my palm read. Before you write me off, I'm really not this crazy, superstitious chick. But I have to try everything once, and I was really curious about this. And I was shocked at how amazingly accurate it was. I obviously don't know if the part about my future was true, but everything the palm reader said about my personality was spot-on.
Even though I should have been happy to know that I would get the job I want, find my soulmate, and live to 86, I was stuck. Everything I know is true, he said - I can be stubborn, and overly energetic to the point of being fidgety or impatient. And apparently, I will be 12 for the rest of my life (I still don't know what that means!). Great. So all of my flaws are written out on my hand for anyone to see.
And then I realized that in thinking this way, I was doing the exact same thing I was doing in front of the mirror - picking out every little flaw. And blowing it up with a magnifying glass. Now, I think that a big part of self-acceptance comes from knowing what your flaws are, and being okay with them. But at the same time, turning those negatives into the whole picture won't make you happy, and it isn't even realistic. I mean, really - being young and energetic for the rest of my life? Not such a bad thing.
I have always been a magazine reader - Seventeen, Teen, GirlsLife, you name it. Some and my cousin were shocked and disappointed by this headline: CosmoGIRL! magazine is shutting down for good. And with the future of many of my teen mag faves looking a little shaky (since everyone is switching to Internet these days), it's made me think a little about the impact these magazines have had on the teen world.
You see, a few years back, I did a project for English class about the effects of the media on women, especially teens. And so I went through and counted the amounts of ads, especially those with unrealistically thin models. I don't know the exact numbers, but I remember it was pretty darn high. And you might be thinking, Well, I don't really pay attention to the ads, I just read the articles. But sometimes those surprise me too - or at least the covers do. Like I realized recently when I looked at a past issue of Seventeen that 5 of the 8 were about clothes or beauty. And I do love the beauty articles, but I just think that the headlines of being a teen are so much more than that.
I'm not trying to bite the hand that feeds me - I'll admit that I turn to magazines for advice on just about everything. And I love that. But someone once told me it's important to be aware of what you're consuming, because then it doesn't affect you so much. So keep an eye out - what kind of messages and images about beauty are you taking in every day? Where do they come from? Do you agree or disagree? Being an aware consumer will help you seek out sources that have a positive message - and might just change your whole attitude.
Do you ever wish that you had something that could make all of your decisions for you? Well, my dad has one. It's this little wheel that sits on his desk, and when you spin it it gives you an answer to your question (Nice, right?). The problem is that it's broken, so no matter how you spin it, it always lands on "Tomorrow." Tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. And the funny thing is, I think a lot of people's inner decision-makers are broken in quite a similar way.
Everyone is a dreamer, whether they admit it or not. And it's easy to say that you'll get started working to those goals tomorrow, next week, or some other time. Like, "I'll start treating myself better tomorrow" or even "I'll be happy once I... (lose 5 pounds, get a boyfriend, become popular)." And of course tomorrow is beautiful - it always sits just beyond the sunset. But the difference between tomorrow and today is really the difference between having dreams and actually starting the work to make them happen.
Oprah said, "My philosophy is that not only are you responsible for your life, but doing the best at this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment." And I wouldn't disagree with her - she's a woman who has made a few dreams happen. What usually stops us is that initial push, when it feels like you're a million miles away from where you really want to be. But you know what? That's cool. Because some place has to be your starting place. It might as well be right here, right now.
These days, beauty can really be taken to the extremes - fad diets, tanning, and at the most extreme, plastic surgery. I find it so fascinating, mostly because I live in a small enough town where it just isn't super-common. But whenever I watch the news or pick up a magazine, there seems to be new, wacky procedures (shoulder lipo, anyone?) all the time. Also, more and more celebrities are being accused of going under the knife, no matter how much they try to deny it.
Now, I generally believe that people have the right to do what they want with their bodies. But the problem I see with this growing trend is that it shifts the standards far beyond natural beauty. When so many celebs (and even average women and teens) are going in for parts as perfect (and real) as a Barbie doll, it gets a lot harder to accept your own body as beautiful as it is. Even if you know what's real and what's fake, it totally shifts the framework for what "beautiful" should be.
So I don't think that plastic surgery should be outlawed or anything. I mean, there's all kinds of ways to change your appearance, and that's a personal choice. But I think the reasons for doing it have to be considered. Health concerns are one thing, like when Ashley Tisdale got her nose done to fix the deviated septum that was causing breathing problems. But when it's insecurities, well, I don't think surgery can really fix that for you. "What I found, though, was that it didn't help me one bit," says actress Kathy Griffin, who got a face lift and multiple other procedures. "It didn't get me happier or didn't make me look particularly younger." Acceptance, happiness, confidence - these things really can't be touched by outside changes I've learned.
But what do you think, Fab Gal? Would you ever get plastic surgery, if it were a possibility? Do you think it's okay? I'd love to hear your thoughts!
Being on break has given me a lot of time to catch up on some TV watching. And the other day, I was enjoying The Today Show, and they had this woman on the show talking about how to find your soul mate. And it was actually really, really interesting. Now I totally understand if you don't believe in that sort of thing. That's cool. But the tips that she shared were actually really good ones, and I think they could be helpful for any kind of goal or resolution.
The first one - write out exactly what you want. If we were talking Prince Charming here, we would describe him in as much detail as possible, from his hair to his heart. When you have a goal, it's good to be really specific as well. Like, if your resolution was to do better in school, what would that look like? Maybe that would be organizing your locker, studying for tests, going in for help after school. Or if you want to take better care of yourself, what does that mean? Maybe that would be exercising three times a week, or maybe it would mean making time to relax each day. Also include how accomplishing that goal will make you feel, or how your life will be differently once you get there.
The second tip was to, quite literally, make space in your life for Mr. Right. I think this can apply too. Making space for your goals and dreams to come true sends a clear message that you are serious about making them happen. How do you do that? Well, that's really up to you. Let's say your goal is to run in a race. "Making space" could be getting all the things you need to be a successful runner, and clearing out that day in your planner. What do you want your life to be like once you complete your resolution? Leave room to fill with the changes that you want to make happen.
So even if you're not looking for the perfect guy this year, hopefully these tips will help you to make the changes you dream about. Let me know what your goals are for 2009 - and remember, I'm always here for ya!
I hope the new year is off to a good start for you. For me it is, for sure - I got to spend the weekend with some of my FG cousins. L is 5 - at the stage of playdates and kindergarten. R is 12, in her first year of middle school and a full set of braces. G just started high school, is shopping for her first big dance and texts even more than me. And being the oldest by just a bit, I love watching them at each of their ages, because it makes me realize how awesome every stage of life really is.
Seriously. I mean we always want to be older - at least I always have. When I was 8 I wanted to be 10 and when I was 10 I wanted to be 13. I always wanted to be more mature, cooler, more independent. And that in itself isn't so bad. But the trouble happens when girls start doing "mature" things to seem older - wearing revealing clothes, drinking, dating guys way older than them. And it always makes me sad to see that, see them missing out on being young. It makes me wish I could tell them what I wish I knew when I was that age - that you are exactly where you need to be. Even when you feel a little insecure or awkward or unsure of yourself. Believe me, acting older or adding on years doesn't change that. Coming into your own isn't really about age at all.
So I guess what I'm saying is this - feel free to act your age! I know you're thinking, Act my age? Some advice. What does that even mean? Well, I guess I'm still figuring that out too. But I think it's about enjoying the process. You can't be a butterfly without putting in your time in the cocoon. You'll be all grown up and fabulous soon enough. But you can't get there without being young and silly first.
Check it out - the first EVER official Fab Gal video blog! I want your suggestions, so watch and let me know what you think. Also, you can connect up at the FG YouTube Channel, http://www.youtube.com/TheFabGal.
Have you seen Marley and Me yet? If not, it is a must. It's so cute! And whether you're a dog love, cat lover, turtle lover (I love them all!), the movie has a good lesson - you can learn so much from pets. More than you would expect.
Take my pooch, I, for example. The other night I was hanging out on the couch, painting my nails, and kind of stressing out. I looked over to her pillow and she was fast asleep. And she looked so peaceful. Eat, sleep, play, be happy. That was her day. Meanwhile, I was figuring out how to get the best glam eyes for New Year's Eve and thinking how hard it is to say what you mean in a text and wishing my life was as funny as Hannah Montana. And that was just five minutes of my day. My pup, however, doesn't expect much. She doesn't need much. But she sure does enjoy much. She's happier than most people I know, in fact. And it certainly isn't because she has more shoes in her closet or flatter abs or is dating a Jonas Brother or anything like that. She's basically figured out what most people haven't - that there's a lot to enjoy n the present moment. That the only things you need in life are food, fresh air and love. And did I mention? She's like 2 years old!
So my point is, if you pay attention to your pet, you will be surprised how much they can teach you about life, whether or not they can master shake and roll-over. And if you're not a pet-owning girl, keep your eyes open. Sometimes life's lessons come from the most simple of places.
xoxo
The Fab Gal PS - Exciting news! This weekend I will be posting the first ever FG video blog. This is a new thing for 2009, and I am really pumped about it! So check back this weekend, enjoy, comment, and let me know what you think - I would love your suggestions!
